(Art Buchwald has taken off a few weeks to study the effects of solar energy on bikini bathing suits. He left behind some of his classic columns which the Supreme Court has just ruled can now be released to the American people.)
One of the problems of being married and having children is that much of the romance goes out of people's lives. A friend of mine has solved the problem. Every week he has an "affair" with his wife.
What he does is he kisses his wife good-bye in the morning and goes off to work. About noon he calls her up and whispers, "This is George. Is your husband home?"
His wife replies, "No, the oaf has gone off to the office."
"I've got to see you this afternoon," the husband says.
"I can't. I've got to be home when the children come from school."
"Get one of the neighbors to take care of them. Tell them it's an emergency and you have to go into town."
"Do I dare?"
Please, darling, we don't have much time together."
"I love you."
"I'll come. Where shall we meet?"
"Somewhere where no one will recognize us. I'll pick you up on the corner of F and 14th Street at 3 o'clock."
The wife arranges for the neighbors to take care of the children and gets dressed up in her prettiest suit. She then drives into town, parks two blocks away and waits on the corner.
Her husband pulls up. She glances around quickly and then hops in.
"I think I was seen, darling," she says nervously.
"Relax," the husband says comfortingly.
"Where are we going?" she asks.
"There's a motel just across the bridge. We'll check in there."
"But we have no luggage," she protests.
"I'll check in. You stay in the car, and then we'll drive to the room."
After they get into the room she laughs, "I didn't even bring a toothbrush."
"I thought about you all week," he says, kissing her.
"So did I," she replies. "I waited for this moment. I thought it would never come."
"I wanted to call you, but I was afraid he would answer the phone."
"He wouldn't stop watching television to answer the phone. Does your wife know about us?"
"She's too busy taking care of the kids to know about anything. I told my secretary if she called to tell I was out at a conference."
"How long can we go on like this?"
"Let's just be grateful for what we've got."
"If we'd only met each other before."
"I feel that way, too."
"At 6 o'clock they check out of the motel, and my friend drops his wife off at F and 14th. "Until next week, my darling," he says as he kisses her.
"It will seem like a year," she says tearfully.
She hops out of the car without turning back.
An hour later her husband arrives home. "Anything happen today?" he asks casually, as he pecks her on the cheek.
"The same dull routine. Anything happen with you?"
"No, just another crummy day," he yawns. They both smile inwardly and sit down to dinner.