I may have seen a worse movie than "The Happy Hooker Goes to Washington," but I don't think so.

It must have sounded hilarious around the pool: Hey, let's do a spoof of "All the President's Men" and Congress and have it start with a big type-writer and end with a wrap-up of what happened to all the characters!

The problem is, a spoof should be funnier than the original. It requires skill, and the acting here is about on the level of a skit at summer camp. A line like"I'm just an honest hooker looking for a little peace" is delivered with winks and shrugs and tongue-lickings. Then follows a long pause. Finally we cut to poor George hamilton, who performs an excruciating 50-second double-take.

In fact a pause follows every line in the film. Maybe they were expecting a laugh-track.

Sample humor: Joey Heatherton, as Xaviera Hollander, the Happy Hooker(who has, I always thought, a particularly unhappy and disagreeable face), makes some statements to Hamilton, her attorney, in a bar. Each time he responds, "Check!" After what seems like 20 minutes of this, the waitress drifts over and says, "Oh, did you want your check, sir?"

Talk about slow: I think this is the worst thing about bad movies: They take so long. We have to watch the principals climb every single step of the Capitol. Get into and out of cars. Take off in planes. Wait for their luggage. Eat in San Souci. Sit by the Reflecting Pool. And respond, with the most painful mugging since Charles Laughton, to each other's laborious single-entendre jokes.

A laughtrack of sorts is provided by the audience at the Senate hearing where Xaviera is appearing. A certain 10 letter word is uttered by a witness. The busty court reporter asks with arch leer, "Is that one word or two"? and the screen audience shrieks with laughter. (Reaction from the actual audience at the Cerberus: one chuckle and two snorts.)

But we're not through yet. The reporter repeats the line a second time and the screen audience falls out of its chairs. And now someone shouts back, "You should hyphenate it!" At this, the entire Senate hearing dissolvees in hysteria.

"I beg your pardon." enunciates the court reporter, "but I'm not that sort of girl."

On the screen, total pandemonium. In the theater, only the sound of popcorn being chewed, like horses with their nosebags on.