AND NOW THE American Award Foundation presents, the first annual Awards Awards. Yes, it's time we stopped and took stock of all the wonderful awards shows, tributes, anniversary celebrations and self-congratulatory applause festivals that regularly relieve the mediocrity of TV viewing with a special mediocrity that is uniquely unique and all their own.
Our show is in honor of tonight's NBC Special. "Billboard No. 1 Music Awards," which is not to be confused with the Grammy Awards, which is not to be confused with the Rock Awards, which is not to be confused with the Country-Western Awards, which is not to be confused with the People's Choice Awards, which is not to be confused with the Las Vegas Entainer of the Year Awards, which is not to be confused with entertainment.
So join us and our fabulous array of guest stars for the Awards Awards . . .Elizabeth Taylor, Elizabeth Montgomery, David Brenner, David Soul, The Captain and Tennile, Wayland Flowers and Madame Seals and Crofts, Shields and Yarnell, Orson Bean, Suzanne Pleshette, Suzanne Sommers, Susan St. James, Susan Dey, Linda Day George, Chief Dan George, Charles Nelson Reilly, William Makepiece Thackerey . . .and others too boring even to mention!
Don't worry - none of them will do anything. They'll just trot out here and read a few lines off cue cards, causing you to burst into frenzied, demented applause, oh, every 2 1/2 minute or so.
And it's all brought to you by cars that fly through space, margarine that sasses back, pancakes for giants and smoke alarms that will save you from burning alive, although by the time this show is over, you may not give a hoot.
Our first award is for Most Tedious and Generally Embarrassing Party Tossed by an Institution for Itself. And the winner is . . . "The American Film Institute Tenth Anniversary Program" on CBS. Here's an excerpt from that scintillating, star-packed night of nights.
"And here she is Claudette Colbert. And here he is Fay Wray. And here is Michael York. And here she is Lillian Gish. And here he is again, Henry Fonda. And here he is Jimmy Carter. And here he is Charlton "Chuck" Heston . . ."
Wasn't that great, audience? What a show! And here he is to accept the award, and to parade his new hair-piece once more, Charlton "Chuck" Heston!
"Thank you thank you for that spontaneous and obviously heartfelt ovation. This is Charlton 'Chuck' Heston saying, thank you for this wonderful Award Award from the Award Award Foundation. We at the AFI wanted to put on the most fatuous, pretentious, presumptuous TV special we could think of, and I guess this proves we accomplished that goal. Please send donations so we can put on an even bigger and yet more pretentious special next year. And lo, the hand of the Lord . . ."
Thank you, Charlton "Chuck," that will do. And now our next award . . . for the Most Inane Beauty Pageant Televised During a Month Ending in R. And the winner is . . . it's a tie, folks, between "The Miss Teen-age America Pageant" on NBC and "The Miss World Pageant" on NBC. Here are excerpts from each of those shows:
"There she is, Miss Teen-age America . . ."
"And there she is, Miss World . . ."
And here they are, Miss Teen-age America and Miss World to accept these sterling little globes. And now our next award, for the Most Spurious Tribute Afforded the Most Dubious Tributee . . . the winner is, "A Tribute to Elizabeth Taylor" on CBS. Let's give the little lady a great big hand . . . no, let's make that a little hand for the great big lady
Thank you, thank you Liz, you're as gracious, charming, glamarous, beartiful, desirable, buxom, and succinct as ever. And now our next award, which goes to the organization which, in trying hardest to honor itself, fell flattest on its face. Since the American Film Institute has already won a prize tonight, they are out of the running, and the award goes to - Rolling Stone Magazine for its Tenth Anniversary Show! And here is the publisher, Young Wonder, to accept.
"Hey man, like, this is, uhhh, this is, uhhh, this is . . ."
Well said, Young, you certainly are the hippest of the hip. And yet, somehow, not too hip for television, which is a great credit to your desire to expand the fortunes of your empire, isn't it folks? Let's hear it for all those people who aren't too big to admit that television is bigger than both of us. Come to think of it, we're a little behind on our clapping quotient for this show, so folks, how about five minutes of sustained, jubilant, humbly grateful applause?
(Five minutes of sustained, jubilant, humbly grateful and electronically amplified applause.)
You're beautiful. What a beautiful audience. You're gorgeous. I want to kiss every single electronically amplified one of you. But now - On with the Show! First a special citation to CBS for snaring the latest to the awards shows to sell itself to television and thus lose most of its significance and all of its dignity - The Heisman Trophy Award Show. And a special salute to "Oscar Salutes John Wayne and the War Movies," produced by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to promote the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and enrich the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, and all with a bunch of old film clips tossed carelessly together in a video salad!
Folks, am I right or am I right - there's nothing like a good awards show to liven up TV. Come to think of it, there may be nothing like a good awards show, period. This is Arthur B. Unctuous saying, good night, God Bless, drive safely, and join us again next year to see which of the coming 425 awards shows will win the most coveted prize of all. The Awards Awards Award! Good night!
Hey! You're beautiful! Mmmmmmwahh!