I am not one of those people who believe in the supernatural, but I believe there are enough reports of unidentified potholes in the United States that somebody should investigate them.
All over the country, city, county and state, officials are getting reports of mysterious potholes showing up in the streets of this country, but they are being kept quiet so as not to alarm the people, that if Americans found out how many photholes were made in just this last month, this nation would have panic in the streets.
Samuel Loudermilk, who heads up the Unidentified Pothole Association, which has kept track of pothole sightings around the country, refuses to remain silent.
"They're out there," Loudermilk said. "And everyone in a position of power knows it."
"Who is out there?" I asked him.
"Something is out there," Loudermilk said. "Look at these satelite (v. ORD ILLEGIBLE . You see every one of these dark bletches - that's a pothole."
I studied the pictures. "My God," I said. "They're all over the United States."
"Notice anything strange about them?" he asked me.
"Well, they're much larger than any potholes I-ve ever seen, and more ragged around the edges."
"ou bet your sweet asphalt they are," Loudermilk said. "I've been watching potholes for 20 years, but I haven't seen anything like the ones I've seen this winter. Look at these here in Pittsburgh and Cleveland and Columbus, Ohio, and over here in Wheeling. W.Va., and down here in Richmond, and over here in the state of Kentucky, and here in St. Louis and Chicago.
He looked at me and said barely above a whisper, "No human being could make potholes that large."
"But." I said, "A Mack truck could a Greyhound bus, or even a gasguzzling American car."
Loudermilk shook his head. "We tested all of them. We got the heaviest two and three-ton trailer trucks we could find. We used buses, garbage trucks, taxicabs. None of them could make potholes as large as those we found in Queens, N.Y. Look, here is a pothole made near La Guardia Airport. No vehicle known to man could have made this."
He showed me a blowup of the Queens pothole. "What does it look like to you?" he asked.
My eyes bulged. "It looks like - it looks like a giant foot."
"Exactly," said Loudermilk. "A giant foot. Right now there are millions of these giant feet all over the length and breadth of the United States. Here in Atlanta and over here in St. paul, and even here in Salt Lake City. How do you explain potholes of this size all over the country at this time of year?"
"Maybe," I said, without much conviction, "It's because we had a lousy winter."
"That's why they want us to think," Loudermilk said. "They hope we'll believe that these potholes wer made by our own winter when in reality they were made by them."
"But if what you say is true that means they're here already."
"That's what I'm trying to tell you," Loudermilk shouted. "They're here already and our government is keeping it from us. Every time you see a pothole in the street it was made by one of them."
"But if they're here why don't they show themselves?" I asked.
"They don't have to. Each day another car or truck or bus sinks in the middle of the street without a trace. Pretty soon here'll be so many potholes and so few of us left, they'll be able to take over without a struggle."
"But why is the government keeping all this from us?" I asked.
"Because." replied Loudermilk, "if they told us about it, they'd have to fill in the potholes."