Many magazines have been doing articles on sex fantasies. It's amazing how many men and women will talk about them if their names are not used for publication. But it's rare to have anyone admit that they have tax fantasies. After prying and cajoling, I finally got several people of both sexes to tell me their favorite tax fantasies.
"F.M., 33-year-old divorcee, writes: "It is 11 o'clock at night. I'm home alone reading Erica Jong when the doorbell rings. I put on my housecoat and go to the door. 'Who is it?' I ask.
"'Cohen of the IRS,' is the reply.
"'How do I know you're Cohen of the IRS?' I ask.
"'Who elase would be at your door at 11 o'clock at night?'
"I open the latch and there is Cohen, holding a satchel in his hand. 'Frieda,' he says. 'I have a $3,000 refund for you.'
"I gasp and clutch the top of my housecoat.
"'How can that be?'
"'Your ex-husband, at the suggestion of his present wife, insisted on paying the income tax on your alimony, even though he didn't have to.' He hands me the money and I faint dead away. When I wake up, Cohen is sitting at the table counting out $3,000 in brand-new $10 bills."
L.D., A 30-year-old car salesman, writes: "I have this tax fantasy maybe two, three times a week. I'm called down to the IRS for an audit. The agent tells me to bring down all my receipts and records.
"He looks like a fat sheriff in a TV commercial sitting behind his desk smoking a large cigar. I tell him I have been meticulous about my deductions, and he'll find everything in order.
"He chuckles and says, 'That's what they all say. Why don't you make it easy on both of us and tell us exactly how much you've cheated Uncle Sam out of this time?'
"I say, 'It's all here. Every cent I deducted has been verified and accounted for .'
"'Okay," he says, taking out his minicalculator. 'If you want to play rough, I can play rough.' He starts hitting the calculator with his fat fingers. It takes three hours. He goes over the figures again and again. He can't find one thing wrong with my tax return. His face is red. "There has to be something here," he says.
"After the fourth time he realizes that the return is perfect. He looks at me, opens the top drawer of his desk and excuses himself to go to the men's room. I wait in my chair. Suddenly I hear a gunshot from the washroom. An aide says, 'Don't feel bad. For him it was the only honorable way out.'"
B.P., A 42-year-old father of three, says his favorite tax fantasy, which he has not revealed even to his wife, starts when he walks into a post office to mail his tax return. "Suddenly I see television cameras and newspaper people. As I put my folder into the slot, Secretary of the Treasury Blumenthal, dressed up as Uncle Sam, steps up to me and says, 'Congratulations, B.P., you are the one-hundred-millionth person to file a tax return in 1973. On behalf of a grateful government, you have won a free business trip to Hawaii for two, a four-bedroom tax shelter in Texas, full depreciation on your house for five years and a tax-deductible three-martini lunch at a restaurant of your choice.'"
T.R. is a 21-year-old career woman who has worked her way up in the stockroom of a very cheap department store. Her boss is known as the "Wicked Stepmother." Every April there is a ball given by the store before the spring clearance sales.
The stepmother says T.R. can't go to the ball until she counts all the glass slippers that are still unsold from a previous Cinderella promotion that never got off the ground.
As T.R. is counting the boxes a fairy godmother arrives with a new dress from Bergdorf Goodman and a diamond ring borrowed from Elizabeth Taylor. T.R. goes to the ball and meets a handsome prince. He falls in love with her, but at the stroke of midnight she has to leave. She loses her glass slipper. After a furtile search he finally finds T.R. in the stockroom and tries the slipper on her foot. It fits.
He confesses he's really not a Prince but actually works for H. & R. Block, the tax consultants. He explains to her that if they get married they could save $345 a year on their income tax. Overcome with the thought of the tax loophole, she says yes, and they live happily ever after.