Now that President Carter has rejected the neutron bomb, the military has been racking its brains to come up with a bomb that everyone will be happy with.
As you know, the advantage of the neutron bomb was that it killed people without destroying property. The new bomb, called the "RRR" or "blast bomb," is a great improvement as it will not only kill people but will also destroy everything . It is so powerful it will blow up a mountain, dig a ditch three times the size of the Panama Canal, and with the proper fuse break off the Horn of Africa.
Man has dreamed of a bomb with this much power since time immemorial. Its destructive capability is beyond all imagination, and American scientists have assured us it can work.
The only problem is, if the United States builds it can it keep it for itself?
Every time we get a good thing, the oil-producing states get wind of it and want it for themselves.
There is no reason to doubt that when we perfect it Saudi Arabia and Iran will want it for their own defense, and we'll have no choice but to give it to them in exchange for not raising their prices by $1 a barrel.
This is what will happen. A Saudi Arabian prince will visit President Carter and say, "We understand you have a new bomb called the blast which will blow up all of South Yemen."
Mr. Carter will reply, "It's only a tactical weapon. We need something to replace the hydrogen bomb in Europe."
"We'd like to buy a dozen of them for our 1st Camel Brigade."
"I'm not sure the United States would want to sell them to you as it might upset the balance of power in the Middle East."
"All right, if that's the way you feel about it we'll raise the price of oil at the next OPEC meeting. We consider your refusal to sell us the blast bomb an unfriendly act. Besides, President Ford promised us we could have it when it was perfected."
"For didn't mention it to me."
"He told me, 'Anything our military has, you can have providing you only use it for defense.'"
"Ford said that? Wouldn't you consider something like a little F-15 airplane instead?"
"We wanted the F-15s until we heard about the blast bomb. Our military people are very concerned about the health of the dollar, and we want the biggest bang for the buck. With the blast bomb we could become one of the major powers in the Middle East."
"But if we give any other country the blast bomb it could fall into the hands of the Soviets."
"They've already been in touch with us and they claim they have a bigger bomb than you have. If you won't give it to us we'll buy it from them. We want the biggest bang for the ruble."
"You're making it very difficult for me. If I give you the blast bomb, then I'll have to give it to Israel and Egypt. The Shah of Iran will also want it, and then every third-world power will insist on the blast bomb to prop up their national guard."
"The bast bomb is a matter of honor with us. What good is all our oil money if we don't have the blast bombs to go with it?"
"I'll talk to our military people about it. They're excited about this bomb, and if I tell them the first ones off the production line have to be sold to you they're going to be very disappointed."
The phone rings. Prime Minister Begin is on the line. Carter speaks, "Mr. Begin, you just heard about the blast bomb? And you heard we might sell it to the Saudi Arabians? I assure you no decision has been made yet. Of course you'll get an allotment, too. If it performs the way we hope it will, it could blow up half the world. The only reason I would sell it to you is to guarantee a lasting peace in the Middle East."