YOU'VE BEEN invited for the weekend to a friend's house- either at the seashore or in the mountains. You don't know any of your host's acquaintances and you're trying to make a good impression on them. Here are a few things you could say that will make them take notice of you.

"My son is suing Bakke for his place in medical school this fall at the University of California."

"My wife has just been elected president of the 'Save the Killer Shark Foundation.'"

"We rejected I.M. Pei's architectural designs for our new house. They didn't give us enough light."

"David Begelman of Columbia Pictures and I have a joint banking account."

"I don't see what other choice Princess Caroline had. When my nephew turned her down she decided to marry Philippe Junot just to spite him."

"We just bought a condominium on the West Bank of the Jordon."

"Freddie Silverman and I used to watch television together when we grew up in Forest Hills, N.Y."

"My cousin is handling Sen. Ed Brooke's divorce."

"My wife makes the best snail darter stew of anybody I know."

"No, I haven't seen 'Star Wars,' but I read the book."

"I met Harold when he was a priest and I was working as a secretary for Planned Parenthood."

"Billy Carter never bores me."

"The CIA wants me to write a book on how we blew it in the Horn of Africa."

"We sent Sen. Talmadge a new suit for Christmas."

"My oldest son works for Robert Vesco."

"I think cloning should be covered by Blue Cross."

"I've never met a lawyer who wasn't competent."

"We came up on the company Lear jet because the Gulfstream II had a flat tire."

"We have a live-in couple that does the housework and cleans up the yard. They're from Saudi Arabia."

"Vladimir Horowitz played the 'Wedding March at our daughter's marriage."

"I liked President Carter when he was running for office and I like him more now."

"The Panama Canal doesn't do anything for me."

"I think the more additives you put in food the better it tastes."

"Harold doesn't believe there is a black hole in space."

"Our car runs perfectly."

"The best way to get along with the Russians is to give them back Alaske."

"Now that the Vietnamese and Cambodians are fighting I think it's time we sent in a regiment of U.S. Marines."

"I'd like you all to join me in a toast to Howard Cosell."

"Did anyone see 'Captain Kangaroo' on television yesterday morning?"

"We don't play tennis or golf: we hate sailing and we don't fish. When we go on a vacation we just like to walk on the beach in the nude."