I guess the biggest thing that happened in the news this summer is the fact that Christina Onassis has married a Soviet citizen and is going to live in Moscow with her husband.

According to the reports, she plans to share a two-room apartment with her husband and mother-in-law. She said she was hoping to find in the Soviet Union the peace and quiet she has been seeking for so long.

I wish her luck, but I'm not certain she'll achieve her dreams.

I can just imagine Christina's first week back in her new apartment.

There is a knock on the door. "Hallo, I am Mrs. Federov from across the way in 2-A. Welcom to the neighborhood. Why don't you invite me in for a cup of tea?"

"Won't you come in for a cup of tea?"

"Thank you, if it's not too much of a bother. My, what a lovely apartment. How many people you have living here?"

"There are three of us. My husband, my mother-in-law and myself."

"What a lucky girl to have such a big apartment with such few people. We have five in 2-A, not including myself. You wouldn't be interested in renting your daybed to my grandfather, would you?"

"No, thank you. We're not taking in boarders."

"It seems a pity to let so much space go to waste. You must be big with the housing commisar. So tell me, how does it feel to be a Russian housewife?"

"I love it. We're so happy. The only thing is, Mrs. Federoy, I can't seem to get my husband's collars clean with this Red Star soap."

"Comrade newlywed, that is called in Soviet, ring-around-the-collar. All our men have it. If you don't have ring-around the collar the government knows you're not working hard enough, and they give you worse job."

"Then you don't think I should change detergents.?"

"To what? How many soap companies do you think we have in this country?"

"There was something else, Mrs. Federov. I can't seem to get the cabbage smells out of my kitchen. Do you know of a deodorizer that will do the trick?"

"Lenin's Airwick. Just four sprays and your kitchen will smell fresh and beautiful."

"Where can I buy some?"

"You can't buy it. They haven't made it for three years. And don't worry about clean linoleum either. I haven't seem a can of wax in the store since my brother and sister-in-law moved in with us. I'll give you 100 rubles a month if you take my grandfather. He'll just sit in the chair and won't be any bother."

"Mrs. Federov, we really don't need the money. My main concern is gettiny dinner for my husband."

"You want meat?"

"Of course, I want to serve him meat."

"It's too late today. All the good meat is gone by 10 o'clock in the morning. You have to get in line at 7 a.m. at the People's Butcher Store if you want something for dinner."

"What will I do? Sergel will come home and his dinner won't be ready."

"What about giving him a TV dinner?"

"Do you have TV dinners in the Soviet Union?"

"No, but we will someday. It's in our next five-year plan."

"Well, thank you, Mrs. Federov, you've been a big help. There's a lot more to living in Moscow than I thought. I didn't realize there were so many consumer shortages."

"Bite your tongue. If you complain about shortages Orlov will have to report you."

"Who is Orlov?"

"He's the block warden. He reports on all of us to the KGB. Three reports on you by Orlov, and you're going to have to take my grandfather in whether you want to or not."