Officials in this tiny, pasteboard, backlot American village are still trying to sort out the details of a wanton and destructive riot that left the city's landmark, and only building, Tucker Inn, lying in ruins last week.
According to eyewitness accounts, all was well at the inn until the end of the evening meal, when guests were told that the proprietor, Sarah Tucker, had run out of a particular brand of creamy whipped topping and the desserts would be served without it.
At this revelation, the crowd became enraged and turned into a howling mob.
Tucker was dragged from the inn and hanged from an artificial tree, witnesses say, before the guests turned their wrath on the building itself, which sustained only one or two swift kicks before it collapsed.
The rioters then left the area but were later seen in the vicinity of Cora's General Store, where, when they learned she was out of a particular brand of coffee, they again became incensed and burned the store to the ground. Lovable old Cora and her percolator are still missing, police say. . .
MEDIAN INCOME, N.M.- The mad rippist has struck again. Ida Mae Makegood of Smith Nielsen Street told police yesterday that a nattily dressed man sporting a Los Angeles tan burst into a laudromat, grabbed a blouse she was about to presoak and tore it to shreds while onlookers watched in helpless astonishment.
"He offered me $50 for the blouse," sobbed Makegood, "but my mamaw made me that there blouse and I didn't want to sell it to no swish from Hollywood. Then he just grabs it and rips it right down the middle. I guess he likes to wear torn clothes or somethin'."
Police say the man struck earlier in the week at another laundromat, ravaging a silk shirt and a pair of imported underpants before absconding. They believe he may be the same fiend who is tormenting women in other laundromats by threatening to take the whitener out of the fabric softener they use.
Some of the women became hysterical, police said. . .
MONOSODIUM GLUTAMATE, Okla. - A federal district judge here has ruled that men can sue their wives for divorce if, while in the shower, the wives pour dandruff shampoo into their husband's palms and claim it to be baby shampoo.
"This kind of callous deception strikes at the very heart of the martial bond," declared Judge Oliver Wendell Niles. In reading ruling, also expected to be a landmine, Judge Niles ruled that if a wife refuses to serve her husband Stove-Top Stuffing instead of potatoes, even after the husband has publicly stated his preference for Stove-Top Stuffing at a supermarket, the husband has grounds for separation.
However, Judge Niles added, wives who mistakenly tell television announcers that their husbands are not concerned with the softness of toilet paper, and are subsequently proven erroneous in this assumption, cannot be held liable for damages. . .
CARCINOGEN, Ill. - Mrs. Olson's reign of terror has come to an end. Federal agents, on her trail for months, finally apprehended the aging Swedish immigrant and booked her for breaking and entering as she made her 423rd unannounced appearance in an American kitchen.
Protesting that "I vont only to help mit de marriage," the blonde-haired intruder was carted off to a paddy wagon, her hands still gripping a Mr. Coffee by its spout.
Authorities say the woman was under the delusion that she has improved the sex lives of dozens of couples by reforming their coffee-making procedures and steering them to the richest and most aphrodisiacal brand.They also charged her with being too old to wear her hair in braids.
It is believed that "Drip Grind" Olson, as she became known, was operating in cahoots with the notorious Mr. Cholestrol, arrested last week when he surprised a couple on their honeymoon by popping up between them in bed. . . .
TEST MARKET, Ariz. - little Freddie Demography was the ideal child. He patiently endured the senility of his lemonade-addicted Grandpa. He chewed the only gum his mother let him chew. He used the toothpaste that his bossy and insufferable babysitter tricked him into using.
But yesterday morning, little Freddie was gone, perhaps never to return. Through her tears, his mother told the tragic tale.
"It's my fault, all my fault," she wept. "I should have listened. He told me over and over, that I was buying the wrong brand of English muffins. He said my brand didn't have little nooks and crannies for the butter to melt in. He told me all the other kids got to eat the kind of English muffins they wanted." She collapsed in a puddle.
Apparently, however, little Freddie's case was not an isolated instance of child abuse. At least 24 other toddlers in this diminutive American hamlet also have toddled off in the past month, all of them reportedly in protest over the muffins in question. It is believed the childred have formed a commune on the outskirts of the city, and passerby say they have noticed the aroma of warm butter wafting from a nearby house. They believe it could be melting into nooks and crannies. . . .
YOU ASKED FOR IT YOU GOT IT, Nev. - The worst traffic collision in state history occured here yesterday when ninieteen cars crashed into a huge a huge trailer trucks on a busy freeway.
The driver of the truck, police said, had stopped suddenly in the fast lane to demonstrate a new brand of dogfood to another motorist.While the motorist's dog sampled the tender chewy morsels of savory steak-like beef, oncoming cars, surprised by the stopped truck or distracted by the voracious canine, smashed into the truck's rear end and each other's vechiles.
Fifty people were killed, but by some miracle, the dog was not injured. . . .
FINE CORINTHIAN LEATHER, Calif. - A man claiming to be actor Karl Maiden was arrested here today for terrorizing tourists at an airport with portents of doom about their impending vacations.
The man, who police said wore a huge putty nose and a large putty hat, approached people at departure gates and horrified them with rantings about the possible loss of their wallets. Children began to cry, wives to shudder and husband to perspire at these displays of alarm, airport officials said.
Hauled off to the calaboose, the unidentified man was heard by reporters to cry out, "What will I do? What WILL I do?"
NO FRILLS, N.J. - Ronald McDonald, the reowned clown, suffered a broken nose and acute whiplash today when he fell off the roof of a fastfood restaurant where he had been dancing.
Children, watching the scene from inside, gave Ronala the biggest laugh of his career. It was also the only laugh of his career.
McDonald's fall was broken when he landed on a man dressed as a giant cheeseburger with everything on it. When the man's cheeseburger was removed, one passerby gasped that he bore a striking resemblance to labor leader Jimmy Hoffa, but the man vanished into the crowd before a positive identification could be made.
Children were assured that the clown's activities would not be interrputed by the fall and he would be up and around in no time. This news caused several of them to cry, while others were content merely to curse and murmur to themsleves. . . .