"BEAN SOUP ON TRIAL-Oversight hearings are expected this week in the Senate Human Resources Committee on the gorvernment's decision to ban Senate bean soup because, it claims, the mud-like substances causes cancer. . . ."
The Weekly Bulletin of the Environmental Study Conference is one of the most highly respcected environmental newsletters in the business.
The Wacky Bulletin of the Incidental Study Conference is something else again.
Printed on 100 percent unrecycled paper (requiring the clearcutting of 14 acres of virgin timber) and dated April 1, the new publication reports in its "Energy" section that "after a five-year, $3 million study, the Department of Inertia has concluded definitely that burning wood to produce heat is a working technology ready for commercialization."
The going has not been easy. New Englanders have demanded federally subsidized loans to squirrels and birds for home improvements in trees. The tapioca lobby has been protesting that tapioca pudding is a far more efficient energy source than wood, since it can be pumped into automobile gas tanks. And now the friends of kudzu, the vine that is turning North Carolina "into the laughing stock of the nation," are pushing weed fuel.
In the slightly tilted world of the Wacky Bulletin the clean air program is killing U.S. hopes for the 1980 Olympics. "Sen. Ed Mushie" seems to have been kidnaped five years ago and is being impersonated by an aide. And the sludge fund has been cut back, imspiring the toilet seat lobby's wrath at this below-the-belt attack.
Most shocking of all is a report of a march on Washington by endangered species, plants and animals to demand 100 percent parity with human beings.
"All hell will break loose when the pearly back mussel delegations hit town," reports one spokesanimal. The mussels' caravan isn't expected to arrive for another 983 days.
"Even so, the traffic situation was still pretty bad this morning. The snail darters set up blockades on the Potomac River bridges. The furbish louseworts have overtaken strategic traffic circles. . . until National Guardsmen armed with weed cutters mowed the protesters down."
So it goes, for 16 solid pages. Actually, not quite solid: The "Energy/Nuclear" section is blank. The bulletin had done a parody of a nuclear reactor meltdown, but under the circumstances, they decided to delete it.