"FILLING OUT your tax forms this year shouldn't be any problem, Mr. Kent. Let's see, you earned $14,435.20 last year as a reporter for The Daily Planet, and the check for your free-lance work - ghostwriting Margaret Trudeau's autobiography - won't show up until later this year, so that's no problem."
"Actually, I did have some additional income during 1978, but it wasn't from journalism."
"A little moonlighting, huh, Mr. Kent? I can't blame you on the salary The Planet pays for a reporter who's been there 20 years. What did you do? Security guard? Waiter? Sales clerk?"
"I was a superhero."
"A superhero. I've been doing it for years, but the income was so low that I never bothered to report it. Unitl last year."
"And just how much did you earn as a superhero last year?"
"Well, I got $1.5 million up front for the rights to make a movie based on my life. And another $1.2 million from T-shirts with my monogram -"
"Wait, you're talking faster than my pocket calculator can add. I hope you've been filing you quarterly estimated taxes, or you're going to owe Uncle Sam a hunk."
"I'm afraid not, just the withholding on my salary from The Daily Planet."
"Boy, you're going to need some super deductions. Lots of them. How about medical expenses? You look pretty sickly to me."
"That's only because I'm wearing glasses and this ill-fitting suit. Actually, I did have several recurring cases of Kryptonite poisoning, but doctors can't help me and there's no medication I can take, so there's nothing to deduct."
"Do you own a house? Real estate? Oil wells? A state legislature?"
"You might be, Mr. Kent. How about charitable contributions?"
"Oh, I have plenty of those. For example, I gave $100,000 to the Foundation to Wipe Out Kryptonite."
"I can't find that on my list of tax-exempt organizations. I'm afraid that's no good, Mr. Kent."
"Well, I gave $25,000 to the Committee to Save Telephone Booths, $15,000 to the Society for the Preservation of Perma-Press Uniforms and $30,000 to the Metropolis Council. They want to put warning lights on top of skyscrapers."
"Oh, boy. Let's try a different approach: Do you have any inventory on hand? Or better yet, do you have any buildings, furniture or other equipment or machinery that can be depreciated?"
"Just closets and telephone booths, when I can find one. But I don't own any."
"The only item I use in my line of work is my uniform."
"How many uniforms do you have? Are they expensive?"
"One, and it's priceless. My dry-cleaning costs alone are out of sight, since I have to use same-day service. I can get you my receipts."
"Now we're getting somewhere. Let's see, do you travel much in your line of work?"
"Oh, yes. Millions of miles each year."
"Fantastic. How do you travel?"
"Did you save your airline receipts?"
"Oh, you fly your own plane?"
"Mr. Kent, you're getting on my nerves. What about campaign contributions? Did you make any of those last year?"
"I gave $3,000 to Ronald Reagan. Us movie stars have to stick together."
"At least that's something. Now think: Is there anything else that you've done that's deductible?"
"Well, I do give a lot of support to two friends of mine, Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen."
"Are they orphans or elderly?"
"Neither, just ordinary adults like you and me."
"Speak for yourself. Do you contribute at least half their income?"
"Oh, I don't give them money. I just save their lives a lot."
"Sorry, Mr. Kent, that won't do. Let's try a different approach. This superhero stuff, could that be considered a sole proprietorship?"
"I guess so. I operate alone."
"Good, we can file a Schedule C, 'Profit or (Loss) From Business or Profession.' And Mr. Kent . . ."
"You'd better have a (Loss)."
"Forget it, Mr. Kent. I'm afraid our meeting is over. You need a lawyer, not a tax preparer."
"But I'm able to leap tall buildings in a single bound!",t"It doesn't matter. The IRS will still find you."
"I'm more powerful than a locomotive!"
"Have you seen what the government's done to Amtrak?"
"What if I told you I can stop speeding bullets with my bare hands."
"The Feds are not impressed by parlor tricks. Good-bye, Mr. Kent. And good luck. CAPTION: Picture, no caption