IT HAS BEEN believed for some time that people born with odd-numbered license plates are far different from those with even-numbered ones. But not until the gas shortage has anybody been able to do a scientific study to determine if the thesis was true or not.
Dr. Stanford Jellicoe, an auto-psychologist, has finally published a work on the subject which proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that there are many differences between odd- and even-numberd license plate owners.
Working with a grant from the Max Leadfree Foundation, Dr. Jellicoe interviewed and tested 2,500 men and women with odd-numbered plates and 2,500 with even-numbered ones.
His conclusions, needless to say, have thrown the entire psychiatric community into a tizzy.
He revealed in his report that "odd-numbered license plate holders were optimistic, energetic, loving and carefree. They tended to make good mates, showed respect for others and only displayed emotional immaturity when they could not find a gas station that sold unleaded gasoline. On the negative side they usually spent more money than they could afford on luxuries, threw packages in the back of their cars in a disorganized fashion, usually forgot their umbrellas and tended to park their cars at least a foot from the curb.
"Odd-numbered women license plate holders, while excellent bed companions, had trouble staying on the right side of the road."
Jellicoe believes this may have something to do with the brain but said he must make further studies before coming to any definite conclusions. He did discover that odd-numbered women were very handy around the house, which was not true of odd-numbered men, who seemed to excel in disco dancing.
"Odd-numbered men license plate holders," his report continued, "are passionate, with pent-up energies causing them to honk their horns at the slightest provocation. They have strong convictions about the price of gasoline and need constant soothing and sympathy to cool them down. Because they have a devil-may-care attitude about life in general, they tend to fall into radar traps, which they try to bluff their way out of by a look of innocence, which rarely ever works.
"They make good companions and only get depressed on even-numbered days when they become unstable and self-pitying. It is wise to avoid an odd-numbered man on an even-numbered day as he may attack you for no reason at all."
Dr. Jellicoe found that even-numbered license plate holders, while lacking the charm and grace of the odd-numbered ones, were much more steady and reliable when it came to matters of the heart and pocketbook. "The even-numbered people think twice before passing a two-ton truck on a two-lane highway, and are constantly telling everyone to have a nice day. Although their emotions run deep, they show tact and discretion when they go to drive-in theaters. They also prefer to keep their windows rolled up when it is raining outside.
"On the other hand they are not without fault. They tend to be indecisive when they see the traffic light turn to orange. They also shake parking meters in hopes the needles will jump without them putting in a dime.
"Even-numbered women are forgetful and rarely come home with what they went to the store to buy. They also can't remember what day they hvae the school car pool. Many of them are bored with their lives and have fantasies about being married to a man with an odd-numbered license plate.
"Even-numbered men usually had strong mothers and are afraid of women gas station attendants. On odd days of the week they eat fattening food and drink too much. The following day they are usually remorseful. They care what other people think about them and whenever they have a spare moment, you can find them at a car wash."