THE CONCORDE-AIRPORT '79-Arlington, Hampton Mall, Jenifer, Loehmann's Plaza, New Carrollton, Roth's Seven Locks, Springfield Mall and Tysons Cinema.

Among the characters on board "The Concorde-Airport "79" are a portly matron who makes mad dashes to the lavatory every time the plane dips and a hoochie-koochie girl who tries to smuggle her pet Chihuahua aboard under her fur coat.

Wait. It gets worse.

There's a distraught mother (Cicely Tyson), en route to a Paris hospital where her son lies, helpless, writhing no doubt. His heart is failing, so she's bringing him a new one-in a corrugated cardboard box stamped HUMAN HEART. "Don't worry, he's gonna make it just fine," consoles her seatmate, an otherwise hard-boiled television anchorwoman (Susan Blakely). "You're sweet," the mother says, blinking back tears.

For love interest, there's a television sports reporter (played by the dimpled, blown-dry John Davidson, and what a comment on the profession that piece of casting is) making goo-goo eyes across the aisle at a lithe little gymnast (Andrea Marcovicci) from the Russian Olympic team.

Ferrying all these idiots across the Atlantic are the pilots, a debonaire French one (Alain Delon) who quotes St. Exupery to stewardesses and an older American one (George Kennedy) whose technique is a little less refined. "Why do you think they call it the cockpit?" he leers at one point. Fortunately for the passengers, the lover-boys manage to concentrate on their jobs long enough to get the plane to Paris-but not before two (count 'em) emergency crash landings.

To help us distinguish this "Airport" from the three similarly-named sagas that preceded it, we get some topical twists: a "radical environmental group" that sets out to sabotage the Concorde's arrival by flying a hot-air balloon into its landing path, and a Star Wars type duel between the Concorde and an attack plane piloted by a "malfunctioning drone."

But all the embellishments in the world wouldn't help this turkey get off the ground. The filmmakers would have fared better using their creative energies to come up with a new plot. It gets a bit old the fourth time around.