Bang bang bang. Crash crash crash. Blooey blooey blooey. "Phill!!!" "Sheilah!!!" "Aaaaguh! My dress is on fire!" Blam! "Hang on, Paula!!!" "I cannnn't!!" BOOM
There you have the ABC Friday Night Movie, "The Death of Ocean View Park," to be shown at 9 tonight on Channel 7. See, this amusement park in Norfolk was going to be demolished anyway, so ABC and Playboy Productions rushed in with a movie built around it.
If only they had blown up the movie instead of the roller coaster. But no. They wired the old Rocket with umpty-ump ton of explosives (you don't expect me to look it up, DO YOU?) and though at first her proud white superstructure resisted, after three days of blasting the beauty fell under Hollywood's onslaught.
It connot be said that she died for the sake of entertainment.
Director E. W. Swackhamer, that busy little sly-boots, gives us peeks at the climactic carnage right off, since one of the characters, played by the achingly plain Diana Canova, has nightmare premonitions of explosions ahead. She tries to warn people, but will they listen? Then she has to run off to the park on the ill-fated Fourth of July because her jerky husband is there selling popcorn.
Too bad the Lunts weren't around to interpret these demanding roles.
Martin Landau, looking even seedier than usual, plays the public relations fiend who wants the park kept open (a la the mayor in "Jaws") even though big dull Mike Connors, as the park's owner, thinks something might be amiss after the hurricane from hell that strikes in the second reel.
Other portents of doom are ominousness itself: The ferris wheel stalls! Sand castles sink at the beach! One of those whirlygig things goes bananas and twirls three teenagers! Bumper cars start bumping in the middle of the night! Oh Lord, is there no end?
Also, a sailor finds he cannot consummate a one-night stand with a top-heavy tootsie who is almost certainly featured in the current issue of Playboy magazine.
The only people in the movie who you hope don't get blown up are Perry Lang, as the sailor, and Mare Winningham as the cute but self-conscious young lady he falls for over the cotton candy machine, before the cotton candy machine falls over itself, that is. Imagine, cotton candy floating all over the place. What a mess.