Use that liquid protein to unclog your drains. Pretend Scarsdale is just another town in the suburbs. Let Dr. Stillman drink his own water. A diet has been developed that requires you to do nothing more than live a normal, American life.
It is the Stress Diet.
The Stress Diet is designed for that half of the population that is unable to eat when it is experiencing stress, tension, worry and anxiety. In addition to making you lose your appetite, the stress acts to burn up that unwanted fat by affecting the body's metabolic function. The diet is not designed for those persons who seek out the Sara Lee Cheesecake at the first sign of crisis. They will have to try another, more difficult diet, possibly the Breathe-Auto-Exhaust-Fumes-Before-Eating Diet.
The Stress Diet is simple. Over a 14-day period the dieter simply experiences everyday stressful situations of varying intensity which are carefully based on scientific study to keep away a dieter's appetite without sending him or her to a psychiatrist. As with any diet, anyone undertaking the Stress Diet should obtain from his or her physician a signed statement attesting to the dieter's physical and mental ability to withstand it.
The 14 -- day Stress Diet Plan follows. If a particular situation does not fit your life style -- for example, if you don't have a teen-age daughter to tell you she's devoting the rest of her life to giving away flowers at airports -- simply substitute an anxiety-provoking situation of equal stress.
One important note: The dieter should be certain not to skip a day of stressfulness during the two-week period. Any rest or relief from tension could negate the diet's effectiveness.
Day One: Have an argument with your spouse or lover or both. This seemingly simple and common stress situation was selected to start you on the program gradually without causing serious side effects, such as alcoholism or an urge to fly to Bolivia.
Day Two: Go an entire night without sleep. Since the diet inhibits sleep as a rule, you will never make up the lost night's sleep and future stress periods will be greatly intensified.
Day Three: Spend the day with a friend who recently gave up smoking. An entire day around someone who will not stop telling you how good he or she feels after 48 hours without tobacco will be extremely stressful. You will also note that your appetite has almost completely disappeared by now.
Day four: Have several cavities filled by a dentist nicknamed "Jackhammer." The anticipation alone will melt away that ugly fat.
Day Five: Have your 16-year-old daughter ask you to explain the difference between morning sickness and the flu.
Days Six and Seven: Force yourself to consume the "Three Cs" -- coffee, cola and chocolate -- and nothing else. The accumulation of caffeine will do wonders to your stress levels during the second week.
Day Eight: Run out of gas at 3 a.m. in a "bad" part of town. (If you have a CB radio in you car, leave it at home.) By now you should be sporting that fashionable gaunt look, particularly around the face and neck.
Day Nine: Go see your son or daughter in a fourth-grade production of "War & Peace."
Day Ten: Let your boss find a half-empty Scotch bottle in your desk. Or, if you don't work, let your spouse find the same bottle under your pillow. Fear of the unemployment line, whether corporate or domestic, makes for good dieting.
Day Eleven: Bet you entire paycheck on the Maryland lottery. If you lose, and you should, worrying about how to pay the mortgage will be wonderful for your waistline. And if you win, worry about the Internal Revenue Service.
Day Twelve: Eat oysters in a month without an "r" in it or order a cheeseburger in a Chinese restaurant. By now you will have lost most of your weight and you should start to regain a passing acquaintance with food.
Day Thirteen: If you can still drive in a straight line, commute to work during rush hour while two of the three lanes of highway are closed for repair.
Day Fourteen: Visit your physician and listen to him or her describe the way your body has deteriorated over the past two weeks.
At this point you should begin your Stress Diet Maintenance Plan, which includes one low-level crisis each day and two major anxiety attacks each week. Do not, under any circumstances, begin the two-week Stress Diet again for at least three years.
If you should somehow become ill during the 14 days and try to blame the Stress Diet, be advised that the developer of the diet has the best lawyers available on retainer and has aranged his affairs so that he cannot be sued successfully. The stress resulting from any such attempt will simply help your diet.