"Hello, where's Santa Claus?"

"He's working on the Iranian crisis. I'm one of his elves. What's your name, little girl?"

"Mayor Jane Byrne of Chicago."

"Have you been a good little girl?"

"Yes, elf, I have."

"And what do you want for Christmas?"

"I want $100 million for urban transportation, $500 million for schools, $250 million for federal housing, and whatever you've got left over for a new sewage system."

"That's quite a list. But everyone here has heard that you don't believe in Santa Claus. They say you only believe in Teddy Bears. You're a very naughty girl."

"Does that mean Santa's not coming to my house on Christmas Eve?"

"Santa only visits good little children who say their prayers and who want him to live in a nice big White House for another four years. I hope that this teaches you a lesson. And stop crying; it won't help."

"Hi there, elf!"

"Who are you, son?"

"I'm president of the largest employes' union in the government, representing over two million members."

"And what do you want from Santa?"

"The day off before Christmas for all my people."

"My goodness. That sounds expensive."

"It could cost $150 million, but Santa would make a lot of little boys and girls in the country very happy."

"Do they all believe in Santa Claus?"

"A lot of them would if he gave them a four-day weekend."

"Well, in that case, we shall see that you have it."

"Gee thanks, elf. You're a peach of a guy."

"Who's next?"

"I am. I'm Congressman Zilch from the 12th district of Idaho."

"And what do you want for Christmas, fella?"

"I'd like a dam and new Air Force base, and an extra allotment of fuel oil for the winter."

"Have you been a good boy?"

"Yes sir, I've told everyone in my district that your man is one of the greatest Santa Clauses in history and he should have a second term."

"In that case, I don't see anything on this list we can't deliver. But we'll be watching you, so you better watch out, better not cry when Santa comes to town. Next."

"My name is Lee Iacocca."

"Do you want to sit in my lap?"

"That's what I came for. I want a billion dollars in my stocking to bail out the Chrysler Corp. I wrote Santa a letter, but some dummy sent it to the North Pole."

"A billion dollars? That's a lot of money -- even for Santa Claus."

"He's my last hope. If he doesn't give it to me, people will stop believing in him in the key states of Michigan, Indiana and Ohio."

"We wouldn't want that to happen at Christmas. I think Santa can dig up a billion dollars in his bag somewhere. Now, do you want to buy a table to our 'Salute to Santa' dinner in Detroit?"

"I will when I see the money."

"Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho. Next?"

"I'm the governor of New Hampshire."

"And what do you want for Christmas?"

"You haven't asked me if I've been a good boy."

"It doesn't matter. You name it and you've got it. Santa Claus never forgets New Hampshire during an election year."