"Is this Mr. Eldridge Winkler, chairman of the Flatbottom, Iowa, Democratic Party?"
"Yes, it is."
"Just a minute. The President of the United States of America would like to speak to you."
"Eldridge, this is Jimmy Carter. I am calling you from the White House, which I am unable to leave because of all the worldwide crises that are preventing me from campaigning during this election year."
"Yes, sir, Mr. President. It's very kind of you to take time out from your busy schedule, which must be consuming every minute of your day. Can I ask what you're calling about?"
"I just finished a meeting with the National Security Council concerning Iran, and I'm going into another meeting with the secretary of state over Afghanistan, and I was wondering how things were going in Iowa."
"You mean politically?"
"Of course not politically. I don't believe the president should get involved in politics at a moment like this. It's beneath him."
"If you say so, Mr. President. But why did you call then?"
"I was just thinking about you and all the loyal supporters in Iowa who did so much for me in 1976 when I first started running for the highest office in this land."
"You mean with all the things you've got to worry about, you've had time to think about Iowa?"
"I always think about Iowa. I can never forget your amber waves of grain and your corn which is as high as an elephant's eye. It reaches right up there into the sky."
"Now that you mention it, Mr. President, the people in Flatbottom would like to ask you about all that grain and corn. Why on earth did you put an embargo on food to the Soviet Union at this time?"
"Can you keep a state secret, Eldridge? If this leaked out, our whole foreign policy could be in jeopardy."
"Of course, Mr. President."
"The Russians can't be trusted."
"When on earth did you find that out?"
"About three weeks ago. They don't know what it is to keep their word. I'm glad I discovered it during my first term as president. It's given me a whole new insight into Soviet-American relations."
"But what do you do with all the grain and corn you told us to raise for the last three years?"
"Eldridge, I'm going to say one word to you now, but I don't want you to tell anyone where you heard it."
"I'm listening, Mr. President."
"Gasohol. I want all the farmers in Iowa to take all their grain and soybeans and corn and make alcohol out of it. Then I want you to take that alcohol and pour it into your fuel tanks. Then I want everyone to get in their cars and drive around with their headlights on and show the Soviets we mean business when they invade Afghanistan."
"Anything you say, Mr. President. Would you like to know how the Iowa caucuses are going?"
"No, Eldridge, I didn't call to talk about caucuses. I know the people of Iowa will do the right thing next week, in spite of the fact I have been too busy to further my own political fortunes in your great state. Goodbye, Eldridge. I'll pray for you."
"Is this Mr. Cameron Doolittle of the Mason City, Iowa, Democratic Party? Just a minute, I have the President of the United States of America on the line."
"Cameron, this is Jimmy Carter and as you know I am unable to leave the White House, but . . ."