ALL RIGHT, we've asked you as nice as we could to buy a Chrysler car. First, Joe Garagiola offered you $500 off on any automobile from the Chrysler lot. Then Ricardo Montalban told you what a Chrysler product would do for your image.

Finally, Chrysler's own chairman of the board, Lee Iacocca, decided to go on the air and beg. Well, maybe he didn't exactly beg. He asked you to just compare the major American models, and if you didn't think a Plymouth or a Dodge or a Chrysler was superior, that was your business. But he knew when you tried the competition, you would be fair about it and go for his product.

Well, you didn't, so Lee made you an offer your couldn't refuse. You could buy the car, and if you didn't like it, you could return it within 30 days and get your money back.

You would have thought that the American people knew a good deal when they saw one. I mean, what more do you want Lee to do for you?

Since you didn't take advantage of his offer. I'll tell you what I'll do. I haven't cleared this with Lee yet, but I know he'll go along with it. After all, he dropped one billion big ones last year, and has no choice.

If you buy a Chrysler automobile or truck within the next 90 days, we will give you a condominium in Florida, a four-year college education at Yale, Harvard, Princeton or MIT for any member of your family, a life-time airline pass for any person over 21, a seat on the New York Stock Exchange and a quarter interest in the Alaska pipeline.

I know what you're going to say -- you already have a car. That's not the point. Once you drive a Chrysler, Lee and I know you'll never drive anything else again. So, here's our last offer. We're not even going to ask you to buy a car. All we want you to do is to go to a Chrysler dealership and look at one. Is that asking too much? Just stand outside the windown and show some interst. If you do this, one of our salesmen will come out and present you with an original Rembrandt painting, signed by the artist himself.

If you decide to come into the showroom, and open one of the doors of our models, we'll give you a diamond necklace from Van Cleef & Arpels, valued at $100,000. And if you decide to take a spin in the car, we'll present you with the franchise to any national football team in the league.

We're being as nice about this as we possibly can. But if you still won't go out and buy an Omni, Volare or a Lee Baron, then we will have no choice but to get tough.

We're going to put those automobiles on the road one way or another. If this means getting out there on the highway and smashing them into the car you are now driving, and totaling it -- so be it. I'm not saying we're going to do this -- Lee happens to be dead set against it, but there are a lot of people in the company who want to take a hard line.

You can lose megabucks in this business for just so long, and then your patience wears thin. So all I'm saying is you either buy a Chrysler car the easy way or the hard way. It doesn't make any difference to me. I'm not in this business for my health.