We always hear about the presidential candidates who made it. But there isn't much to say about the ones who didn't. What happens to them? They get letters like this:
"Dear Gov. Connally:
"I happen to be the owner of a pizza joint in Green Forest, S.C. During your campaign you came into my pizza parlor and one of your staff said, 'Governor, this is a great ethnic photo opportunity. Eat a pizza.'
"You said it was the best pizza you ever ate in your life and slapped me on the back. That's when we had our picture taken. I didn't give you a bill at the time because I figured if you ever made president, I could put the photo in the window. But since you didn't even get close, the food comes to $10.90 and the beer cost $15.75.
"I would appreciate a check as soon as possible. Pizza doesn't grow on trees. "Arrivederci, "Giovanni Valenti"
"Dear Sen. Baker:
"While you were visiting the Sioux Indians, our chief presented you with a headdress and made you an honorary member of the tribe. He told the council that if you were elected, you would remember this gesture of goodwill, and would look kindly on the Sioux when we came to Washington for redress.
"Since you dropped out of the race, we would like the headdress back so we can present it either to President Carter or Ronald Reagan. These Indian headdresses are hard to come by, and the chief made a mistake by giving it to you so early in the primaries. You can send it United Parcel as we don't trust the mails. "Red Sunset, Chairman, Sioux Political Action Committee" "Dear Mr. Bush:
"First of all I think you got a raw deal in New Hampshire when Ronald Reagan grabbed the microphone away from you and said he had paid for it.
"I wonder if you have cashed my check for $500 yet? If you haven't, please let me know as I could use the money for something else. I sent it to you after you picked u all that momentum in Iowa. I'm not going to ask you what went wrong, because you're probably still trying to figure it out yourself.
"If you've already cashed my check, perhaps you could have your treasurer send me one of his. I don't care where it comes from as long as I get my $500 back. "Best regards, "Arnie Schmidlapp" "Dear Congressman Crane:
"We are planning our American Express card commercials for next year -- the ones that show a person saying, 'You don't know me, but I carry an American Express card everywhere I go, etc., etc.' We were wondering if you would consider being one of our unknown politicians for next spring's campaign. If you are interested, we will send you a contract and tell you when you are on schedule. "Yours truly, "Karl Malden" "Dear Sen. Dole:
"I understand that you have withdrawn your name from nomination at the Republican National Convention in Detroit. If this is true, does this mean I have no chance of becoming secretary of agriculture? The reason I'm asking is that my wife has been house-hunting in Washington, and I better stop her from buying one if you're not going to get to be president. I know you told me not to get my hopes up, but frankly, Bob, you sounded in January as if you had the whole thing sewed up. "Ezra" "Dear Teddy:
"You can't keep track of everyone's campaign schedule in the family, but I've been in the coal mines of West Virginia for the past two months making speeches for you. Someone just sent word down the shaft that you're not going to concede to Carter. Does this mean I'll be here until August? "Love, Jackie"