If your're going to play tennis to win, there are some things you should do and some things you shouldn't. Here are a few of each: DOs 1. Drive up in a convertible with at least two bona-fide groupies in tow (females should show up with Dino Martin or Bjorn Borg look-alikes, depending on availability). 2. Drop names of several well-known tennis stars you have recently played with (even if it was a crap game with Vitas Gerulaitis in Las Vegas, or a ball-boy "hit" with Rod Laver as a youngster). 3. Wear a T-shirt with tournmanet-sponsor logo and tight-fitting Italian tennis shorts. 4. Bring a minimum of six brand-name rackets, all strung with the finest gut (the thinner-guage the better, because everyone's impressed when it snaps). g 5. Make a production of taking each racket out of its cover and tapping them individually before making the final selection. 6. Insist on spinning for serve as soon as you step on the court (feign annoynace or smirk openly if opponent is unaware of this tournament-honored ritual). 7. Strut to the baseline a la Jimmy Connors, twisting and flexing your upper torso like a gorilla about to rampage. 8. Hit lots of heavy topspin in warm-up. Punctuate your efforts with grunts to terrify all but the most tournament-hardened. 9. Show off your (complete) repertoire, mixing in the fancy shots, too -- the Bucharest backfires and sky-hooks -- even if you have no intention of using them in the match. 10. Barely three minutes into the warm-up call out impatiently "anytime you're ready." (Timing here is important -- for best effect, do it right after hitting an amazing behind-the-back drop volley without bothering to see if your opponent has impaled himself on the net post in trying to chase it down.) DONT's 1. show up in an old Mercedes wearing Bermudas from the '50s (unless you're a real hustler, and that doesn't count). 2. Bring along a spouse or former lover; you want a rapt audience, not someone who's apt to leave at a moment's notice or chide you mid-match for playing too long. 3. Bring a wooden racket-press within five blocks of the courts (a common hacker's faux-pas that says more about your game than you'd care to know). 4. Admire your opponent's tennis regalia and ask silly schoolkid questions about his equipment (or compare notes) as though you might have something to learn. 5. Look your opponent in the eye should he engage you in trifling conversation about anything but the business at hand -- after all, when was the last time you spotted Bjorn Borg and Jimmy Connors chatting up courtside before a big match? 6. Serve the ball overhanded during the groundstroke warm-up and scramble frantically to retrieve opponent's shots that land near the sidelines. 7. Overzealously attack the net behind short balls as though you were playing a point to impress your opponent with your put-away volleys (kid-stuff that has the opposite effect). 8. Ask opponent for "a couple more backhands" unless you have a backhand like Guillermo Vilas' and want to show it off. 9. Say "sorry" or apologize in any way for shots that go astray or for your inability to deliver a decent lob -- once again, cool indifference is the preferred gambit. 10. Double-fault on the first point (or let the other guy "take two" if he should do likewise).