July 7, 1980 Graham Greed c/o Literary Village Sauna N.H. Dear Graham: Understand Brit copyright Conan Doyle expires today. Profound interest here re spinoff treatments instanter. You could easily be millionaire this time. Best personal regards Chloe. Call collect. Jason Mogwith, Hollywood Spinoffs Cable address: SPINOFF. J. Mogwith SPINOFF Decline discuss new projects until royalty in sum dollars 232.11 paid forthwith. "Mozart Luvs Motorcycles" teleplay aired May 8. No Chex. Greed Dearest Graham: Money order herewith dollars 232.11. Cannot express too strongly need for haste. Have book, movie, video cassette, radio serial, public TV, western assignments waiting. Procter & Gamble most interested Sherlock Holmes shampoo. Need strong pipe-smoking pilot soonest. Character with no facial hair. Suitable women 18-34. Hear your novel is terrific. Mogwith J. Mogwith SPINOFF Novel stalled on page 19 you SOB.No see Chloe these six months you SOB. Only doing this because need palimony you SOB. Treatments follow. s "I, Watson" A screenplay for Public Television
Alistair Cooke introduces this 24-part series. Cooke explains that Dr. Watson was the biographer and confidant of Sherlock Holmes. Cooke explains that England is an island kingdom off Europe, and that there were many doctors in Conan Doyle's time. A doctor, Cooke explains, is a person trained to cure the sick. An island, he explains, is surrounded by water. And so on, in the Alistair Cooke style.
Dr. Watson wears Edwardian clothes and goes to soirees (which will be explained by Cooke). He meets young women with problems, and he says that Sherlock Holmes can solve them. But, get this, there is no Sherlock Holmes. Watson has made him up in order to get to know young girls despite the oppression of the class society and headaches brought on by his Edwardian collars and high-button shoes.
Subplot: The servants talk about Watson behind his staircase. He teaches one of them a lesson in manners by putting flypaper in his pajamas, and after that the servants are on Watson's side (Episode 15: "The Servants Learn a Lesson in Manners").
Watson is arrested for solicitation and an aged solicitor named Old Bailey tries to have him expelled from the medical profession (Episode 9 through 13: "The Teen-ager Who Almost Loved Me"), but the bid fails.
Watson dies in prison, however, while writing his memoirs (all French words to be explained by Alistair Cooke) in which he reveals that there never was a Sherlock Holmes. In the final episode, entitled "Dr. Watson Leaves This Earth," he imagines the scent of Latakia tobacco and the sound of a violin as a huge shadow with long nose and curved pipe appears on his cell wall.
"Egad!" Watson cries (Note to mogwith: redeeming social value of REPENTANCE AS REQUIRED BY TV CODE). "Holmes!" "For the Love of Sherlock" Proposal for a Gothic Romance in paperback
Sherlock Holmes is an interestingly thin young landowner with a romantically curved pipe and a violin which he holds as if it was an imperfect replacement for the damsel he has been unable to find because of the need to travel in his former life as a society detective in a land far away.
Tears streaming down her face, Evangeline Courtney Melissa Brubaker is drawn to Holmes inexorably, and also by the team of four matched chestnut mares attached to her black carriage. She knocks on the door of Holmes Heather, the mysterious townhouse where Sherlock lives his interestingly thin but heartbroken alone life. Wind blows warmly but with a bit of chill, and the curtains flutter like a girl's heart. It is deep summer in the American South, and a thick fog covers the streets of Atlanta, making the wheels of the carriages echo eerily.
Holmes himself answers the door, clad in a smoking jacket and eating a canary. He wipes the feathers quickly from his mouth, exclaiming a single word:
"My Sherlock," she cries, taking him in her arms in the blazing fog, startled by how thin he is even for a foreigner but pressing her lips to his anyway, yielding, yielding to the dream she knows they share.
Holmes throws down his Stradivarius, breaking it into toothpicks in the passion of his embrace. Atlanta catches fire behind them, and carriage wheels echo eerily. Men run with buckets to the river, while Big Ben tolls and terrified slaves sing Elizabeth madrigals in the cotton fields.
"But mah awful secret," Holmes gasps in the ludicrous Southern accent that has made him an outcast in Georgia society. "Ah'm nothin' but a low enforcement officer back home in Lundon."
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn," says Evangeline, pulling him close, while in the background Dr. Watson raises his banjo in a chorus of Camp Town Races, and carriage wheels echo early in the fog. "The Hound of the Baskervilles" A proposal for a prime-time access Television Series
Sherlock Baskerville, a pipe-smoking police commissioner with eight children and a wholesome wife, is guilty about spending so much of his time on the job. For example, on Christmas Eve he joins a car chase as if he were just a sergeant and singlehandedly stymies a dope ring which uses funeral processions from Forest Lawn Cemetery as its cover. (Note to mogwith: GOOD CHASE SEQUENCE HERE.) When he returns, the Christmas turkey is cold and his family is not speaking to him, because they have had to put the Christmas lights on the palm tree without him again.
When Christmas comes on Monday -- the 25th is actually Tuesday, but Los Angeles is celebrating it early in order to get a three-day weekend -- Sherlock has a surprise waiting: a large hound, which he delivers in a police car with its siren on, accompanied by a K-9 officer wearing hockey mits and armed with a fire extinguisher full of Mace.
The dog, Commissioner Sherlock explains, has grown up in a bad environment, and has a rap sheet as long as your arm and 10 convictions for robbery all-night drug stores. The judge has sentenced the hound to 30 years in the state pen (Grand Larceny -- Alpo), but the dog gets a second chance if the family adopts him.
The Baskervilles adopt the hound, and face their first crisis when he bites the ear off an old family friend and retainer, Dr. Watson. Will the Hound of the Baskervilles have to be destroyed? Will Dr. Watson have to be destroyed? (MOGWITH: WE'RE TALKING BIG AUDIENCES HERE.)
In later episodes (this pilot is two hours long), the Hound gets fat and faces the problems of the obese; the Hound cheats on an exam, and almost gets expelled from college; Commissioner Sherlock swallows his pipe, and the Hound performs emergency surgery; the Hound falls in love with a Lhasa Apso bitch from Beverly Hills, and faces all the problems an interracial love affair; the Hound become jealous of the Baskerville children and eats one, but comes to know the error of his ways; the Hound become old, and faces the problems of the elderly.
In the 14th episode, a two-hour special on the hospice movement, the Hound is put to sleep, but we don't actually show him dead. Sherlock and his family are in tears. If Nielsen numbers indicate renewal, Hound of the Baskervilles comes back to life. "Sure-Lock" storyboard for a Dandruff Shampoo
Strong, clean-shaven detective type with prominent nose is seen on London street, smiling broadly. Camera zooms in. Music: "The Waltz of the Toreadors."
"Hi, I'm Sherlock Holmes. You may remember me from numerous literary appearances in books, and several Basil Rathbone films, many of them frank anti-German propaganda tracts with such titles as 'Sherlock Holmes Goes to War . . ."
Passerby, turning awkwardly with grin of recognition: "Blimey, it's 'im!"
Sherlock continues: "Even the scum know Mr. Sherlock Holmes. But there's one thing even my old nemesis Moriarty didn't know, and if he had, such information would've been of great value to him . . ."
Moriarty, being dragged handcuffed by a policeman: "Hold, copper! Before I die I must hear this!"
"Tell me Moriarty, you evil genius, why I wore my deerslayer hat all those years?"
"Your head was cold?"
"Your hair was a gooey mass the consistency of spaghetti al dente, covered with what looked like the remains of a collapsed plaster ceiling?"
"Right, swine -- now off to the gallows!"
Moriarty is dragged away as attractive female bobbies join Sherlock, who looks into the camera and winks:
"Don't wait for the hangman to get you -- surrender to 'Sure-Lock' today!"
"Dirty-Holmesy" A proposal for a contemporary Detective film
Sherlock Holmes walks down the streets of Chinatown in San Francisco. His gait is easy, but slightly effete. On his head he wears an eccentric cap, and a masculine but overlarge pipe is clenched in his teeth. He wears a raincoat and carries a .44 Magnum black umbrella. This is Dirty Holmesy, formerly a famous private dick on London now walking a plainclothes beat in Frisco.
A blond girl bursts out of a Szechuan restaurant, her mouth on fire, and bumps into Holmesy.
Holmesy says one word, low and dispassionate. "Crud." Then he goes into the restaurant and holds the chef's head under a vat of hot and sour soup until he is dead. The girl thanks him, offering her body. He tells her no, his wife was killed in the Fire of London and since then he is on a mission.
"Here's what you're mission," the girl says, opening her blouse.
Back at the station house, Dirty Holmesy's police captain isn't amused. "You can't just go around killing restaurateurs in kitchens," the captain says. So Holmesy kills him. Now he is an outlaw. An outlaw cop.
Little does the blond girl or anybody else know but the entire police force of San Fran is corrupt. Holmesy steals a bus, fortifies it by pasting impenetrably dull poems by John Masefield all over the windows, and runs a gauntlet of police bullets to the lair of his arch enemy, Arty Mori, also an expatriate Englishman but unlike Holmesy, given to antisocial acts and uncivilized behavior.
"Dirty Holmesy!" Arty Mori's scream echoes in the empty municipal building. He is clearly deranged. His tongue is hanging out and he has a knife in one hand and a pornographic magazine in the other, and a claymore mine in histeeth. "One step closer and the girl gets it!"
"What does she get?" Holmesy asks coolly.
"What does she get?" Arty Mori repeats, confused. "What do you mean, what does she get?"
"Yeah. What does she get?"
While Arty Mori ponders this, Dirty Holmesy shoot him in both kneecaps with his umbrella, and then kicks him to death while the girl watches, fascinated.
"I believe the fog is coming in," Holmesy says, a faraway look in his eye. He takes off his badge and throws it, as if to reach the mighty Thames, as the echo of carriage wheels clatters in the night and the blond girl just stands there, trying to hail a cab. July 20, 1980 Graham Greed C/O Literary Village Sauna, N.H. Graham darling: C3PO signed to play Holmes in robot version "Hounds." All spinoffs spinning real good. Each has been optioned, and have assigned all to coast scribes experienced in formats & genre etc. etc. My personal thanx your role this big success. Good luck on novel and hello to lovely Chloe. Warmly, Jason J. Mogwith SPINOFF My properties not to be touched by your hacks. Resent token payment dollars 100 per treatment. Have cashed checks in protest. Lawyer letter follows you SOB. Chloe in Mexico with your brother-in-law don't you think I know that interrogative. Greed Graham Greed C/O Literary Village Sauna, N.H. Be sensible. Take money and run. Chloe did. Mogwith