"Okay, Ronnie, can we go over it once again? This is the People's Repubilc of China. It has one billion people and because it is scared silly of the Soviet Union it is tilting toward the United States."

"And what about the real China?"

"It's not called China. It's called Taiwan. It's this little island on the map over here. There can't be two Chinas."

"There were two when I was on 'Death Valley Days.'"

"Well, all that has changed."

"Who changed it?"

"Nixon and Kissinger. They decided that recognizing a China with a billion people would upset the Russians a lot more than pretending this island over here was the real China."

"What about Chiang Kai-shek's plans to invade the mainland and take Peking back?"

"Ronnie, Chiang Kai-shek is dead."

"What a pity. I better send George Bush to his funeral."

"He died some time ago. Besides, George is now in the People's Republic of China -- that's this big area here -- talking to the Chinese leaders who run the country."

"What's he doing there?"

"He's trying to explain to them that you didn't mean what you said about two Chinas."

"He has some nerve. Has anyone done the security check on him?"

"Ronnie, I know you like to live in the past. But if you become president you have to think of the future. Nixon would have never recognized the People's Republic of China if it hadn't been in the United States' national interest."

"But what will I tell all my friends? They were all hoping that when I became president I would free mainland China from communism."

"Your friends will understand if you just show them this map. Explain to them that even Taiwan has faced up to the fact that there can't be two Chinas and is willing to go along with the status quo, providing the People's Republic doesn't move in on them."

"I don't trust Mao Tse-tung and never have."

"Mao Tse-tung is dead, Ronnie."

"We'll send word to George Bush not to go the the funeral."

"Mao died a long while back. We don't have to deal with that problem."

"Why didn't someone inform me? This could be a golden opportunity to attack the mainland. We could send our Marines up there through Vietnam and surprise them."

"We're not in Vietnam anymore, Ronnie. We've been out of there since 1974."

"How can I be president of the United States if nobody tells me these things?"

"That's why we're having this briefing. We want you to be up on things. We want you to be up on everything. A lot has happened around the globe since World War II."

"I don't like it one bit. The next thing you know mainland China will want to send over a ping-pong team. What do I tell the other China then?"

"You'll think of something, Ronnie. We're not making you America's greatest statesman for nothing."