HELLO, MR. Carter? This is Mme. Gandhi. I'd like to call in my order. Have your deliveries gone out today?"
"No, ma'am. Our driver hasn't left yet."
"Well, I'd like a quart of milk, a dozen eggs, a box of steel wool and 38 tons of enriched uranium."
"Yes, ma'am. It sounds like you're planning a big party."
"Never mind what I'm planning. Just send over the order."
"I'm not sure we have 38 tons of enriched uranium in stock. You wouldn't care to take 38 tons of wheat instead?"
"I would not. Every time I call, you say you're out of enriched uranium. If you can't stock what your customers want, I will have no choice but to go across the street."
"Please don't get upset, Mme. Gandhi. As you know, the motto of our store is, 'Give Everyone a Bang for Their Buck.' Do you want the instant uranium or the type you cook from scratch?"
"I don't know the difference."
"Why don't you look on your atomic reactor and see what it calls for?"
"How did you know I cook on an atomic reactor?"
"I just assumed it. Most people who order enriched uranium have atomic stoves."
"Send over the instant uranium. I'm in a hurry."
"All right. Just follow the instruction on the box. There are all sorts of delicious recipes on the back."
"I know what I want to make with the enriched uranium, and I'm certain the instruction are not on the box."
"Mme. Gandhi, I'm obligated to tell you that under the Food and Drug Administration Act of 1962, enriched uranium, if not correctly used, could be dangerous to your health."
"Mr. Carter, I don't need someone telling me how to make uranium curry."
"There's no reason to get upset. U'm just following the law. If I sold the uranium and people got sick to their stomachs, I would be responsible."
"That does it. Please cancel my order. I'll get my uranium eleswhere.
"Don't hang up, Mme. Gandhi. I'm sure you won't do anything stupid, and I won't pursue the subject any further. Did you want any heavy water to go with the uranium?"
"Why? Do I need some?"
"Oh, yes. You have to mix the uranium with heavy water or the uranium will stick to the bottom of the pan."
"How much heavy water will I need to cook 38 tons?"
"Offhand, I would say 25 gallons to a ton. You don't want to get it too thin or it will boil over and contaminate the entire Vale of Kashmir."
"All right, include the heavy water."
"Right, Mme. Gandhi. I've written it down. Anything else I can help you with?"
"Do you have any plastic gargage bags I can put my waste in?"
"Certainly. Would a dozen be sufficient?"
"Not for what I've got in mind. You better send me a gross."
"I agree with you. There's nothing like stockpiling up for a rainy day. Heh, heh, heh."
"Don't get chummy with me, Mr. Carter. You'r just lucky I'm giving you my business."
"And don't you think we aren't grateful, Mme. Gandhi. Your account means a lot to us."
"I should hope so, and you'd better remember it if you want me to keep buying your uranium."
"Don't worry about that. Your order will be on the truck this afternoon, and, on behalf of everyone in the store,we sincerely hope that you have a bang-up time."