Every time something happens in Iran, the Iranian students in the United States seem to come out of the woodwork, or wherever they live, protesting alleged American involvementy, screaming oaths against the U.S. president and screwing up the traffic something awful.

This is, of course, perfectly legal, but it does go against the grain of many Americans, who feel that the streets could be better used during the rush hour than pro-Khomeini demonstrations.

As a defender of free speech, I cannot call for any group to be banned from parading and shouting. But it seems to me that with Iran at war, the students could do much more good if they went home and defended their country.

From what one can see, the Iranian students have tremendous spirit. Their talents seem wasted in the United States, yelling at the top of their lungs about all the terrible things that are being done to them. These people would make marvelous soldiers in Ban-Sadr's army, and could really play an important part in repulsing the satanic forces which are trying to overrun their country.

Instead of lying down in the streets of Washington trying to stop our buses, they could throw themselves in from of the Iraqui tanks. And instead of burning effigies of President Carter, they could lob grenades at the Iraqi soldiers who have invaded their land.

Naturally, all of us here in the United States would hate to see them leave, but we would understand it if they all packed up tomorrow and left for their homeland.

The pro-Khomeini students may be unable to return home because of lack of funds, but I think their problems could be solved by unfreezing some of the Iranian assets in this country and providing the students with free transportation to Tehran.

Let no one make any mistake about this proposal. No Iranian student should be kicked out of the United States just because he doesn't like it here. But we should appeal to his patriotism. Instead of the American people looking on with distaste as the students demonstrate, we should urge them to enlist in their own army services, and go forth to fight their holy war where it is taking place.

We should make it perfectly clear that we would love to have them stay in America, but their protests are falling on deaf ears here, and they are much more needed on the battlefield. I would even hold a ticker tape parade down Broadway as they marched off to the troopships that would take them back to the land of their birth.

Many people to whom I have suggested my idea seem skeptical. They say the Iranian students don't want to go home. They maintain the students would rather remain here, where they know they are safe from the crazy mullahs who are running their country. They also know they'll be protected in the United States, no matter what they're protesting, which doesn't happen to be the case in Iran.

But I don't believe it. I know every pro-Khomeini student is dying to leave the oppressive police state they maintain we have over here. So I say, "Iranian Students, Unite and Go Home. Your Country Needs You -- And Arrivederci, Gang. We'll Miss You -- But, When You Gotta Go -- You Gotta Go."