Some people send Christmas cards -- other send tomes. They are Xeroxed letters, catching you up on everything that has gone on in the family for the past year.

Harlequin decided to send one out this year which would take care of the holiday epistles once and for all.

"Dear Buchwalds,

"Well, it's been a very eventful year for the Harlequins. Clint Jr., who just graduated from Med School, traded in the old Pinto for a new Mercedes-Benz 450.

"Julie, our oldest daughter, got married to a very nice boy from Houston who is in business with his father, selling and buying tankers. The kids found a lovely four-bedroom, Spanish-style house in Beverly Hills for $46,000, with a mortgage of 5 3/4 percent.

"Teddy, our oldest son, is studying to be a genetic engineer at Harvard. He has loved splicing genes ever since he was a little boy.

"Everett, our middle daughter Connie's husband, won his second Pulitzer Prize for fiction and is now working on a novel about a secret romance between Winston Churchill and Mrs. Joseph Stalin, which takes place when they both find themselves at loose ends with a free weekend at Yalta.

"Ellen, the youngest daughter, is 23 years old now and has volunteered to have a baby for a childless couple in Columbus, Ohio. She's the one in the family who is always thinking of new ways to help people. The baby should be born sometime in February. If you have naughty thoughts about this, forget it. Ellen was impregnated artificially at New York Hospital.

"Janet, my wife, is now being investigated by the FBI for an important job with the Reagan administration. There is some talk about her becoming ambassador to the Court of St. James, but I'm hoping she gets Peking, because we both love Chinese food.

"Derek, our youngest boy, is still in high school and scored 642 points as fullback in his senior year. He's had offers from Notre Dame, the University of Southern California, Alabama and Oklahoma. We told him it was his own decision, and we didn't care if he played in the Rose Bowl, the Sugar Bowl or the Cotton Bowl as long as he was happy.

"Lots of visitors from abroad. Princess Grace stayed with us for Thanksgiving, and Prince Charles was our house guest when he came over to play polo last spring. Bjorn Borg visited us on his way to the U.S. Tennis Championships, and Pavarotti showed up unexpectedly one evening with his suitcases and said he hated the hotel they had put him in. Naturally, we said he could stay as long as he wished.

"The only sad news is that we had to withdraw Far Flung from the Kentucky Derby because of a bruised ankle.

"Our trainer decided to put him out to stud for a $5,000 fee.

"As for myself, I lucked out this year. I found some wonderful shelters, so I only had to pay $50 in income taxes last April. A Saudi Arabian sheik bought our farm in the country for $1.5 million, and the computer company I invested $25,000 in last year just went public, and my stock shot through the roof. The Lear jet was in the shop for two weeks, but we should have it out in time to go to Bermuda.

"All in all, it's been a quiet year, but we have nothing to complain about. Hope you have a wonderful holiday season and a great 1981.

"Love from all the Harlequins.

"(Note the new address. We just bought Nelson Rockefeller's place in upstate New York.)"