Unbeknownst to college graduates, during their four years in the hallowed halls of academia, they acquired valuable job skills which are not reflected on their college transcripts or whatever resumes they managed to pull together using summer work experience at the local Dairy Queen.
Unfortunately, the jobs which would put these grads on the fast track to megabucks and perks do not exist, yet. While the Small Business Administration loan officers are likely to take a dim view of the enterprises described below, you may have a rich uncle. Let me know if you need a partner; after all, it was my idea.
Soap Host or Hostess . No, I'm not suggesting you follow the Fuller Brush man around and offer his customers the proper cleaning agents to go with their toothbrushes and mops. I'm talking about soap operas.
If you didn't take a course on soap operas during college, you surely spent an afternoon a week watching the soaps. Since you graduated, you probably know what's happening on every show, on every network.
This is knowledge. And knowledge, as we all know, is power. Perhaps you experienced a bit of this power at a recent social event. Occasions where employed friends were present. The scene was something like this. An employed friend said, "Hey, I watched General Hospital' when I was sick a few weeks ago. What's going on there, anyway? Why's a hit man after Luke and Laura?"
Then you felt it, power. This guy might be making $18K as a systems analyst, but you had something he wanted. And you, dummy, probably gave it to him for nothing. If you were a little bit smart you might have said, "Why don't you take me out to dinner and I'll catch you up on all the soap dope." He may have thought you a mooch, but he probably bought you dinner.
Do you see? This little transaction is the beginning of big business. Don't waste your time doing one customer at a time. Buy a Betamax, tape the soaps, and hold weekly "screenings." ABC soaps on Monday nights, CBS on Tuesdays, etc. Provide Doritos and Coke, fill your customers in on the details during the commercials, and charge extra for special session devoted to one show.
Don't try to cultivate a market with federal employes. They are allowed to listen to radios as they work. Radios have TV receptors now.
And you thought that personnel officer was plugged into a classical station. No wonder you didn't get the job. While you were wowing her with your college fame as "the comma chaser," she was straining to hear Cliff tell his wife Nancy that he had fathered Cybil's child.
Grammar Hotline Operator : So the personnel officer wasn't impressed or, as you now realize, didn't hear you describe your grammatical prowess. Don't be daunted. Your skill is valuable. Open a grammar hotline.
No one can write anymore, but they can read. They will avidly read your slick brochure promising answers to questions like: Should it be exquisitely idle-looking hands or exquisite idle-looking hands?" "Is 'to evaluate and implement' a split infinitive?" "What's a split infinitive?"
Make the hotline available 24 hours a day and your service soon will be a perk desired more than maternity leave.
Professional Houseguest: Your college friends are scattered across the United States. You feel lonely, bereft; your parents' phone bill was over $200 last month -- and you made all your calls at the cheapest times. Grandma wants to know why you don't have a job, you have an itch to travel, travel away from your older sister and your parents' constant comparisons of the two of you: "Maria got a job right out of college, she owns a '79 Datsun, she just got a raise. The only thing to do with money is spend it."
For a small capital investment probably less expensive than last month's phone bill, you can be a professional houseguest. "Book now for the Winter Tour." Tell your prospects about your service:
"Your personal professional houseguest offers you a satirical, ready wit; will make his own bed and hang up towels; has all the dirt on mutual friends; provides advice for the lovelorn; tells amusing college stories; is up on all the soap dope; is a dance, bridge, or tennis partner; gives tacky gifts to host or hostess; and always sends thank-you notes."
When sending out your flyer, enclose a personal letter with the clincher, the reason you will get invitations to even Grandma's. Tell everyone you are writing a book about your travels, and promise to devote an entire chapter to the time you spend with them, a whole chapter because their company promises to be that interesting.
Send flyers to everyone, not just old college friends. Pull out your high-school yearbook, your mother's Christmas card list, and the names of the guys in your dad's old platoon.
Buy a Greyhound unlimited travel bus ticket and go!