Good day and good news.
Our top story today comes from the wild, wacky, wonderful world (whew) of fashion.
Informed sources tell us that the dreaded "Sig-Lock" is here. Sig-Lock, the time after which no clothing without a designer signature would be manufactured.
Sig-Lock, which had been widely predicted at all of the chic salmon tartare and California blanc de noir parties recently, went into the operational mode at 1:45 a.m. Monday, June 15, when the Grange Underwear Factory ("Buy From Grange and Keep the Change") in Providence burned to the ground. That was the last factory on earth still producing unsigned clothing.
Eyewitness disaster reporter Buzz DeGaulle was there and filed this report:
"A tearful Vic Johnston, vice president in charge of interpreting the immigration and naturalization laws for Grange, blew his nose into his Halston handkerchief and told me, "We're finished, through, wiped out.' Johnston prided himself on the fact he was an executive with the last company standing between tradition and Sig-Lock, and off-the-record he told me, I'll bet it was arson. I wouldn't trust Oleg Cassini as far as I could throw him.'
"Later, after composing himself, Johnston broke a couple of branches off a nearby tree and said to me, 'Aaaah, you win some, you lose some. Let's say you and me have a couple of beers and toast some marshmallows. I'ts a shame to let a fire like this go to waste.'
"This is Buzz DeGaulle, your disaster reporter. At the scene in Providence. Now, back to the booth."
Reaction to the coming of Sig-Lock is expected to be big. The Bureau of the Budget, which only last week bought Pierre Cardin blazers for its legal staff, is expected to announce that Sig-Lock will cause a rise in the prime rate.
The Federal Reserve Board is said to be concerned.
"They'll probable be concerned," a spokesman for The Fed said late last night.
And here, with an analysis of what Sig-Lock portends for the American people, is our trend reporter, Trish Sasson:
"Since you can no longer wear even your own heart on your sleeve unless someone has signed it, designers will doubtless turn their attention now to previously untapped markets. Darlings, we're in the '80s now, The Designer Decade, and the slogan is -- I'm Famous, Buy Me. Sig-Lock is just the first inning. Why, just the other day Giorgo Armani and I had lunch together at Sans Souci, and I can tell you for true that he and none of his friends will rest easy on their designer sheets until everything we eat, everything we touch, everything we buy is autographed
"You know Trish doesn't fib, so listen carefully. While I was tracking down that faaaabulous item about Michael DeBakey becoming chief of plastic surgery at Georgetown Hospital, I was told by the nursing staff that the most popular names for newborn babies so far in the '80s were Calvin, Yves, Gloria and Geoffrey. Take it from someone who'd never be caught without her Bloomingdale's credit card, this is where we're headed:
"Designer Bowling Balls -- Lilly Pultizer will make her long-awaited entry into the sporting life with a fall collection in all the smart colors including wine, asparagus and Cleveland. Lilly lines the thumb and finger holes with synthetic mink and scents them with jasmine. Two different shapes, my pretties -- regular old round and a new oblong for those of us who think thin.
"Designer Hamburger Rolls -- It's a match made in heaven, McDonald's and Oscar de la Renta. Oscar will sign his name on the top half of each McDonald's hamburger bun is special edible ink, and he'll do the Big Mac in script with those sesame seeds. Word is that McDonald's will introduce a sandwich in his honor -- Veal Oscar -- and that in retaliation Burger King has made an offer to LeRoy Neiman to design a brand new fish fillet.
"Designer Pizza -- Gucci got there first of course with a sleek, tapered pie. Tomato sauce and green peppers, using his standard colors. And don't you just love it, the peppers are all shaped like little Gs.
"Designer Toothpaste -- Geoffrey Beene puts his signature where your mouth is. The hottest color combination, teal and emerald emerges from the tube in a stream of GBs. And wait till you taste the flavors. Creme de menthe, anisette, Courvoisier and Krugerrand. When the toothpaste is gone each tube is suitable for framing.
"Designer Light Bulbs -- If it's got real class, it's got to be Bill Blass, I always say. Mr. Macho has come up with the Bill Blass 20-40-60-80-100 Watts Happening line of muted plaid light bulbs, each coming with his signature and lyrics to "You Light Up My Life' imprinted on the filament. Blass' bright idea is to shape them all like cigars.
"Designer Bibles -- Such a natural for Christian Dior. He went with tradition in keeping the cover basic black, but on the inside flap is an irdescent Day-Glo photo of Dior himself. Holiday Inn is the first major hotel chain to announce it would stock the Bibles, and it plans to set them on top of the television sets, opened to Proverbs 280-Z: 'If ye cannot be with the one ye love, ye shall love the one you're with.' The Bibles come in three languages: English, Spanish and Californian.
"Designer Dog Food -- Leave it to Emilio Pucci to design a dry dog food in Fido's favorite flavors -- garbage can, tree and New Jersey. Pucci has taken care to sign each flavor nugget in ink that won't run when mixed with water.
"Designer Smoke Alarms -- Now you don't have to contend with a whining siren when your house is on fire. Not since Ralph Lauren came up with the Polo Smoke Bomb. In case of fire the sound you hear is the sound of mallet striking polo ball and the logo on the bottom of the alarm tastefully flashes on and off in a soft green so you can excuse yourself from the French Triple creme and dial the fire department without alarming the guests.
"Designer Nails -- Where would we be without Gloria Vanderbilt? Dear Glo, the Jean Queen, knows that just as no woman can be well dressed without designer nails. In her "Tough as . . .' series, Gloria presents five different sizes of nails from one-half inch to six inches long, in brass, clear plastic and prerusted, each with Gloria's signature on the head.
"Designer Cattle -- A new twist on an old theme. Not just common branding, but actually sewn in by Halston with his revolutionary Ultra-suede thread. This will probably be one of the most sought-after gifts in the Neiman-Marcus catalog, and for those of you living in condominiums who can't find enough space for a heifer in your foyer, Halston has a line of designer steaks, filet mignon of course.
"Designer Mass Transit -- Now this is hot. So hot that Pierre Cardin and Yves will design the subway cars. Won't it be tres chic to see their initials all over the upholstery? Only peasants will take their cars to the ballet anymore.
"Designer Mops -- I've seen them and believe me they're so stylish you'll think about storing them right beside the sectional in the living room. Oleg Cassini makes them, and each mop strand is the same pepper and salt color of Oleg's luxurious hair. Cleaning was never so fashionable. Your maid will adore it.
"Designer Sperm Banks -- Positively the last word, darlings. For people who care enough to want only the very, very best -- Calvin Klein Genes."
Film at 11.