Michelob Light, here's looking at you, kid.
You put the mock into machismo.
You coax the booze right out of the brawn.
Kick, bite, scratch, claw, bleed. What you have us do for your brew. Whew!
The cornerstone of the Michelob Light ad campaign is the athletic field, where young jocks are pitted against each other under the premise that they will far exceed their normal abilities when the prize is a Michelob Light. Typically, in pursuit of one Michelob Light a horde of muscular goons will expel enough sweat to fill Lake Erie, blocking, tackling and eye gouging, and finally -- after spending enough time on the football field that their children have already graduated from school -- one loser breathlessly says to one winner, "I didn't know you could play so hard." And the winner says, "That's what happens when you play for a Michelob Light."
For ONE Michelob Light.
So, what would they do for TWO Michelob Lights? For THREE Michelob Lights? For a SIX-PACK? For a CASE? For a couple of KEGS? For a WAREHOUSE? For the whole DISTRIBUTORSHIP?
"Let's face it," says Stormin' Norman Detweiler, the former mercenary who became president of Attila Beer, "all these 'Light' beers stink. They're about as thin as a Libyan backbone, and they taste like water from the Love Canal. Maybe a hairdresser would choose a 'Light' beer on his own, but in order to sell it to anyone else, you got to run an ad campaign that appeals to real men, men who have to beat chicks off with a stick. I take my hat off to Michelob Light for finding the right tone. I mean, when those guys go out and kick the bejeezus out of each other just for a beer, it makes me want to bang my fist through a wall."
Stormin' Norman was excited.
All 6-4, 250 pounds of him was flexed into unprocessed granite. To relieve the tension he cracked his bullwhip at a scarecrow sculpture of Muammar Qaddafi, ripping off the head, sending hay and straw flying around the room. Then he relaxed and continued speaking:
"That's what gave me the idea to start 'Attila Light -- The Beer For Beasts.' We've targeted the Definitely Ultra Macho market -- what they call the 'DUM' market -- for guys whose chest measurements are bigger than their I.Q. I came up with the slogan myself. 'Drink Attila. She'll know you're a Killa. And she'll call you Hun.'
"The point is, you got to make these guys think that a 'Light' beer isn't just a pansy drink. You got to convince them that only heavy-duty guys drink it, and that the broads will go ape for 'em. Beef and Broads, the old double B."
Stormin' Norman smashed his fist on his desk, demolishing the teak top.
As he picked splinters from his hands and face he spoke of his upcoming television commercials:
"We're not interested in guys who drink one beer -- we're looking for guys who are serious, guys who chug a six-pack just to get greased up. And we don't believe in friendly rivalries where all the guys end up drinking together. We take the Michelob Light concept a few steps further. We're into carnage and destruction.
"In one ad, four cross-country truckers are sitting around at a truck stop, talking about America being held hostage, when some wog dressed up like Ayatollah Khomeini comes in. You hear a voice ask, 'What'll you do for a six-pack of Attila?' And you see the four truckers get up and grab the guy. Each one takes an arm or a leg, and they stretch him out and start to rip him apart, and all together they say, 'Make a wish.'
"Then we've got our Jaws ad. This guy who looks like he could take on the Steelers' front four is lying on the deck of a ship taking sun, and he's surrounded by six of the most dynamic looking dollies you've ever seen, all wearing string bikinis. Suddenly Jaws appears. You hear a voice ask, 'What'll you do for a case of Attila?' Our guy jumps up, belts the shark in the face, sends his teeth flying every which way. I mean, he cleans his clock. That's one dead fish we're seeing. Then our guy starts chugging Attila Light. And the broads start taking off their tops."
Stormin' Norman, who knows a bull's-eye when he films it, picked up a machete and threw it at the cardboard cutout of Fidel Castro that stood in the corner of his office. It went through Castro's heart, through the wall and stuck in his secretary's thigh. "Helluva gal, sorry to lose her," he said. And as he dialed for an ambulance he talked about his other commercials:
"Our next ad is set in the New York City subway. You've got this subway car full of 15 greasy, smelly punks -- dirtballs, real slime -- and they've got their knives out, and they're getting ready to mug this old lady. We've got Charles Bronson doing the voice-over, and you hear Bronson ask, 'What'll you do for a keg of Attila?' Suddenly, the train pulls into a station, the door opens and these two Green Beret types come in and start blasting away with M-16s. They waste all the punks and gently pick up the old lady and carry her to safety. As they go up the stairs you see them pass a poster for Attila Light with the slogan: 'Some Things Are Worth Fighting For.'
"Then we have the gas crisis ad. A bunch of sneering, flabby, pasty-faced sheiks just dripping money drive up in long, black limousines to check into the Tripoli Hilton for an OPEC meeting. There must be 100 of 'em in the street. You hear a voice ask, 'What'll you do for a truckload of Attila?' Two customized 'Vettes pull up. Four marines get out, pull the pins and lob grenades into the lobby. So long, it's been good to know ya. As the marines walk away you hear one say, 'Ain't no use doing it, unless you do it right.' And another says, 'I think we earned some Attila Light.' "
Stormin' Norman was rolling now.
He was hot. Beads of sweat gathered on his forehead like bullets -- speaking of which, he had removed the pearl-handled .357 magnum from his shoulder holster and was yelling, "Fore!" then firing at his 3-D poster of Idi Amin, blowing grapefruit-sized holes in the wall.
"I've saved the best for last. It starts out with a view of two F16s taking off from an aircraft carrier. Our guys, you know. One looks like Clint Eastwood, and the other looks like Steve McQueen. As they climb they're in radio contact with each other. Clint says to Steve, 'What'll you do for an Attila Light distributorship?' And Steve says to Clint, 'Cover me.' The next thing you see is both planes going into a power dive, and as the landscape gets closer you realize they're zeroing in on North Korea. Oh baby, is this great. In the last part of the commercial we drop our bombs, blowing those commies all to hell, and this huge mushroom cloud covers the screen. The background music is the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing 'God Bless America,' and in the cloud we flash the words 'Attila Light -- It'll Blow You Away.' "