Up for slime, mud, tack and adipose tissue? Get out your loofahs and go see ". . . All the Marbles," which you'll surely lose while watching this exploitive piece of petit porn. Trash sports and cellulite combine in this film by Robert Aldrich, starring a pitiable Peter Falk as the manager of a female tag team played by acrobatic, likely-to-remain unknowns, Laurene Landon and Vicki Frederick. Have they got the T&A. Thighs and aspirations. Scantily-clad, they dive-bomb, keister-bounce and sunset-flip their opponents senseless. In an encounter that would fatigue Bruce Lee, these two hunkettes take on the Geishas, a pair of saucy sumos from Nippon. From there, they kick, bite and make mud pies of themselves, reaching for the ring in Reno, where the women's world championship is to be perpetrated. It's "Rocky" for girls. Bloody, pouty lips and all. Even Rocky's former brother-in-law, Burt Young, shows up in the film as sleeze- ball Eddie Cisco, manager of a wrestling arena in Akron, Ohio. ". . . All the Marbles" is a trucker's tour de force. Ohio verite: Every power transformer, every smelter, every sorry rest stop is documented. It's a scenic gritfest for our indefatigable trio. Harry, the manager, and the "California Dolls" do their touring in a bedraggled yellow Caddy, with a vanity plate that reads "Tag Team." Iris, the brunette Doll, and Molly, the blonde (played by Landon), undergo symbiotic dialogue, during which we learn why they continue to endure this psychic and physiological pummeling: They're high school dropouts and don't want to go back to work for an answering service. Getting up those grouches in the morning must have been murder. Since neither Landon nor Frederick can act, Falk makes a deplorable effort at same, droning on and on, humorlessly while fragments of "Pagliacci" waft o'er the Toledo chimney pots. In Toledo, Iris and Molly meet the world champion Tigers, a black tag team with false eyelashes thick as whisk brooms. The lashes stick tight, but the Tigers come unglued when the Dolls trash them on their home turf. A tough woman executive, tossed into the plot just to prove the producers know that some gal's got brains, sets up a rematch, which spins off into a championship bout in Reno -- but only after Iris shows Eddie Cisco, manager of the Reno meet, a couple of her special holds. Reno, city of shining signs and dreams come true. From here on out, ". . . All the Marbles" is bearable thanks to Big Mama, affectionately known as Thunder Thighs to wrestling insiders. Faith Minton is about as cute and adorable as a Budweiser-can-crunching kinda gal can get. Kicky costumes, too, but spend your hard-earned on a real match between Gorgeous Geoge and Fabulous Moolah
. . . ALL THE MARBLES -- Opens Friday at 14 area theaters.