In one of the biggest marital upsets of our time Elizabeth Taylor Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher Burton Burton Warner is about to become unattached again.
She has announced she will separate from Virginia Sen. John Warner, her seventh husband, thus refuting what she reportedly said when she married Warner in 1976: " . . . I want to spend the rest of my life with him and I want to be buried with him." So she came up a little short. A girl has the right to change her mind, doesn't she?
As her track record proves, she doesn't simply divorce husbands -- she sheds them. But by now we know that being single is not what Elizabeth Taylor is all about. Her extraordinary beauty and desirability has historically made men eager to give up everything for her. Can there be any doubt that some man will convince her to marry again? In time, the Rockies may crumble, Gibraltar may tumble -- they're only made of clay -- but for Liz and (fill in the blank), their love is here to stay.
Here is a woman who conjugates her wedding vows this way: "I do, I did, I've done." A woman who has had so much rice thrown at her that she was named to the board of Uncle Ben's. A woman who has marched down the aisle so many times that Adidas now puts out a Liz Taylor wedding shoe. A woman who has her towels inscribed "Liz" and "What's His Name."
So here, in the spirit of public service, is our Christmas gift to Liz. To save her valuable time and effort, a list of prospective husbands so she forthwith can choose the next one as she closes in on double figures:
New York Gov. Hugh Carey -- At least he'll know exactly how many previous husbands this wife had.
Frank Perdue -- You know how she loves chicken.
Yogi Berra -- He's always been No. 8.
Richard Simmons -- He'll never say diet.
Mickey Rooney -- Always available, and it never lasts long. Mick the Quick would be a good springboard to No. 9.
Andy Rooney -- For just a few minutes.
Roger Moore -- Diamonds are forever.
Orson Welles -- Wasn't it Orson who said, "I'll take no wife before her time"?
Prince Andrew -- Shy Di and Chuck may have been the Wedding of the Century, but Liz and Randy Andy would be the Match of the Millenium.
Norman Mailer -- She could become Elizabeth Taylor Mailer. (Similarly, she could marry Fernando Valenzuela.)
Teddy Kennedy -- He needs a wife; she's an experienced campaigner.
John Belushi -- His imitation of her on Saturday Night Live could have been the sincerest form of flattery, but nooooooooooo.
Herve Villechaize -- And when he wanted to be picked up to give her a kiss he could say, "Liz, the crane, the crane."
Marcel Marceau -- He won't kiss and tell.
Sammy Davis Jr. -- Consider when they pool their jewelry.
Tom Snyder or Desi Arnaz -- Good career move.
Donny Osmond -- She's a little bit chunky, he's a little bit rock 'n' roll.
Richard Harris -- He's filled in for Burton before.
Richard Burton -- That's right, Burton; Nos. 5 and 6. When she married him for the first time in 1964, Liz reportedly said, "I'm so happy you can't believe it . . . I love him enough to stand by him, no matter what he might do, and I would wait." Then, when she married him for the second time in 1975, she reportedly said, "There will be bloody no more marriages or divorces. We are stuck like chicken feathers to tar -- for lovely always." Richard Burton. Ah, the Hat Trick!
Go for it, Liz.