The catalog arrived the other day in the nick of time: You University, the self-improvement emporium across town, was having a special spring sale!

For the price of one BODY SURF YOUR WAY TO A BETTER SEX LIFE seminar, You U. would throw in free lectures on SELF ESTEEM AND NOSE HAIR and SO DON'T VISIT YOUR MOTHER! plus a copy of its new all-purpose self-help booklet, HOW TO BECOME YOUR OWN MARRIAGE.

We were saved!

And you too can discover a new you at You U. (as their motto says). Here are some catalog excerpts: MY MOTHER, MY SHELF. Your inefficient use of closet space is often traceable to childhood trauma. Overcome such hangups -- and hang up your clothes, for God's sake. How many times must I tell you? SUCCUMBING TO STRESS. Stress is everywhere; why fight it? In three short evenings, learn how to give up and die. TODAY'S WEATHER. Does the questiou cold? This course will teach you everything there is to know about AQIs, wind-chill factors, "humiture" and record lows. Learn stimulating party conversation, meet Gordon Barnes. Discussion group meets twice a week, rain or shine. WRITE THAT LETTER! You've had a letter percolating inside you for years -- here's your chance to pour it all out. Writing begins at first session. Discussion topics include "Choosing Margins," "Are ZIP Codes Necessary?", "Getting Through Those Difficult Paragraphs" and the popular " 'Sincerely' or 'Yours truly'?" SELL YOUR FACE. Tired of the same old puss? Sell it! Get a new one! Save taxes, too. An experienced model leads you from initial renovation to marketing to an enlightening discussion of low-interest, high-cheekbone loans. SAIL YOUR FACE. A professional Californian (and author of the best-selling "The Ship That Launched a Thousand Faces") explains this latest craze in summer fun, and takes you to the Eastern Shore for a full day of face sailing. Prerequisite: HOLD YOUR BREATH FOR AN HOUR! CARRY OUT. How to order in person or by phone and mean it. Study of coffee-to-go argot: regular, light, bright, al fresco, cup, lid. Syllabus includes list of pizza parlors, USDA definition of extra cheese, much more. HOW TO PICK UP GIRLS. Girls love to be picked up, but do you know how to do it without hurting yourself? Have trouble putting them down again? Try out all the proper holds, lifting techniques, glib repartee on our special 250-pound Spalding girl bag. THROAT CLEARING. Eminent professrs from You U. speak on ways of preparing the larynx for speech, including harumph, ahem and hmmmmmmmm, and advise students of the written word on eliminating first paragraphs. Prerequisite: BEGINNING GARGLING. TOAST. (Another in the You U. Even You Can Cook series) Plagued by abdominal carbon deposits? Learn the 10 precautions that eliminate burnt toast forever. Prerequisites: BUTTER AND JELLY, or MARMALADE (with physician's certificate). SURE YOU CAN FLY! Do you dream constantly of leaving the earth behind and soaring into a cloudless blue sky? You do? Well, this is for you. Lab fee includes straitjacket and seven months of intensive therapy.

NO, IT'S THE DOORBELL. Second half of last year's most popular course, IS THAT THE PHONE? Register early; opportunity knocks just once. Postmen ring twice. CHEESEBURGER LAB. Students visit Washington's best cheeseburger emporia and do laboratory analysis of hamburger during class time. Special orders don't upset us, so have it your way. (Required for nutritionist's certificate from You U. School of Bum Steer.)

INSIDE SLIM WHITMAN. The life and times of the famous country yodeler. We'll find out about the man (What kind of toothpaste does he use? Can he type? Has he ever met Lucille Ball?) and listen, if possible, to some of his music. EARLY DOG. The Maunder Minimum as it relates to canine prints in the Cenozoic Era. The origin of the dog kiss. ALL ABOUT ASTERS. Intensive study of plants of the composite family. Discussion follows movie narrated by Celeste Holm. Course completion qualifies student for membership in Society of American Asterisks. LEAVE-TAKING. By popular demand. Though there are countless courses in saying hello, no one ever teaches us how to say goodbye. Learn when to use long goodbyes, and when short ones will do. SNAILING. Trap nocturnal herbivores in your own backyard with a beverage you drink every day. Course includes a search for last semester's snailing expedition. WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE? Ever wonder who's in charge? Do you often feel helpless, frustrated, stranded? Class assembles twice a week in line at various local post offices, motor vehicle divisions and insurance claims offices -- where you'll get the chance to find out, personally, just who's in charge. Prerequisite: THE ART OF FLINGING DESKS.