News item: Charles and Diana to miss son William's first birthday. Royal couple to be visiting Canada on June 21 while baby stays home in England. A spokesman for the couple says they feel baby "is too young to notice" that his parents will miss his birthday.

"I bloody well will notice."

With those words Prince William, future king of England, began his remarks to me in an exclusive interview--the first that Royal Baby has granted.

"I think my parents ought to be here for my first birthday. Lucy and Desi were there when Little Ricky turned 1; Sonny and Cher threw a big party for Chastity. What am I, chopped liver? I think the whole deal stinks. Mum and Dad drag me around Australia and New Zealand with them for six flippin' weeks looking at nothing but kangaroos and sheep. Now, when we finally get a chance to take a really good trip, Canada in the summer--yo, Pierre, pass me a brew, eh?--they take a powder.

"I'd even made out a guest list for the party. But instead, I get two weeks with Grandma. Her majesty's a pretty nice girl, but she doesn't have a lot to say. Not a real warm woman; picks me up with her gloves on. Other kids get teen-age girls from the neighborhood to babysit with them. Fat chance I have of that. Buckingham Palace is so big, it is the neighborhood. And it's so dull that the official color of the strawberries is gray. Most of the people around here are so old that when they went to school they didn't study history because there wasn't any history.

"You want to know why I'm going public with this? Because I don't think my parents are treating me right. They stuck me with a ridiculous name, William. 'Will-Yum, dismiss the butler.' 'Will-Yum, remove your fingers from the chauffeur's nose.' Will-Yum. Very contemporary name. Sure. If they'd had any style they'd have named me Lance. Better yet, Bubba. 'In London today King Bubba ordered all geese on royal preserves to be clothed in business suits. When asked why, his Royal Highness said, 'Cause nobody gets down without Bubba gettin' down.' Can you dig it?

"And neither of them ever give me a straight answer. I asked my dad why they were going to Canada without me, and he said it was 'a business trip.' I've seen Big Chuck take care of business. A real corporate jungle out there, christening ships and posing for photos with Miss Moose Jaw.

"I can't get the straight scoop out of Mum, either. The press has her so spooked, she doesn't say word one. Shy Di, right? The other day I read she might be pregnant again. I asked her. She referred me to her spokesman. This is carrying the stiff upper lip thing too far.

"I've got a good mind to blow this pop stand. If England's so great, how come Bob Hope and Elizabeth Taylor left, and Benny Hill stayed? It rains all the time. We've got politicians with silly names; how can countries take us seriously with politicians named Pym and Foot? We haven't produced a decent leftfielder in 2,000 years.

"Aw, what's the sense complaining? Who's gonna give me any bloody sympathy? Look, it's been nice talking to you. If you're anywhere near Canada this week and you see my parents, tell themthat since they won't be here, Uncle Andy promised to throw me a party. And here's hoping that Koo jumps out of the cake."