Sex Tapes Update: The Los Angeles attorney who said he had videotapes of two Reagan appointees and a congressman participating in "sex parties" now says that the tapes are missing.
The question is, what's going on here?
The correct answer is:
a) Republican sex parties?
b) Hooray for Hollywood. Cut the chatter, sweetheart, and fill the hot tub.
c) Of course they were stolen. They're out there stealing prints of "Return of the Jedi," aren't they? Hijacking, skyjacking, Jedi-jacking and now gym-bag-jacking.
d) If we can't get Britt Ekland for the movie, how about David Bowie?
e) Hi, my name is Robert K. Steinberg. I'm a lawyer. Tapes? What tapes? Did someone say something about tapes? Oh, those sex tapes. Did I say I had tapes of Ronald Reagan's longtime confidant, the late Alfred Bloomingdale, Bloomingdale's longtime mistress, the recently bludgeoned Vicki Morgan, prominent appointed and elected officials, people the president knows--some of them household names--on videotape at sado-masochistic sex parties? Moi? Could you excuse me for a moment, the phone's ringing. It's either the White House, finally, or my agent. Could we maybe take a meeting tomorrow?
f) I don't want you to get the wrong idea, but I left my Mercedes in valet parking, and I'm in a negative cash flow this week. Could I possibly borrow $25,000 until my next big case? I take Diners Club.
g) I am not a crook; the butler did it.
h) Yeah, well does the name Rose Mary Woods mean anything to you?
i) Yeah, well does the phrase "sinister force" mean anything to you?
j) A few weeks ago the thought wouldn't have even crossed my mind. But with all this talk about Debategate and the Reagan Mole, did you ever think that maybe it would be in the interests of the administration to find these tapes and destroy them?
k) Jeane Kirkpatrick and Garfield the Cat, but you didn't get that from me, okay?
l) James Watt and Bambi, but you didn't get that from me either.
m) At first I had the tapes in that new bank on Wilshire Boulevard, the one where they give you quiche with any new deposit of over $2,500. How was I to know that there are no keys to the safe deposit boxes? How was I to know that the bank's motto was "A space for everything, and everything in that space."
n) Warren, let me get back to you, I've got Woody on the car phone.
o) Jane, let me get back to you, I've got Vanessa on the cordless.
p) I love you guys, but I've got to get back to you, it's the FBI at the front door.
q) It's a joke, man, a joke. Cool out. Have a pin a colada. Ring for my houseboy, Kato, he'll fix you up. For sure.
r) Sure it's him. Okay, the quality of the cinematography is a touch grainy. For free you don't get Bergman to shoot infrared from behind a mirror in a closet. But if you look closely you'll see that the one in the sheep mask on the Capitol steps is the congressman.
s) Think of the rental fees to the National Archives. The Abscam tapes packed them in, and those guys wore clothes.
t) I'm not saying I saw them, and I'm not saying I didn't see them. I'm saying that I had them, and now I don't have them. This kind of stuff happens all the time out here. It's like Malibu beachfront, sweetheart. You just have to go with the flow.
u) Congressional inquiry? Special prosecutor? Anybody got Archibald Cox's phone number?
v) She was nude because it was essential to the role, and if you ask me it's tastefully done. That's real Corinthian leather they're wearing.
w) You're gonna take Marvin Mitchelson's word over mine?
x) Do the names Christine Keeler, Mandy Rice-Davies, Elizabeth Ray, Rita Jenrette, Fanne Foxe, Paula Parkinson and Megan Marshak give you a nostalgic feeling?
y) If they'd come to me sooner I'd have gotten Marvin Hamlisch to do the musical score.
z) April Fool.