They may call it "Class," but it's really "Porky's Goes to Prep School" -- proof that you can make a sow's ear out of a silk purse.

In it, elegant Jacqueline Bisset, the '80s answer to Mrs. Robinson, seduces her son's roommate in a Hyatt Hotel elevator. If it is true that women reach their sexual peak in their late 30s and men in their teens, then biology surely is the only plausible excuse for this Oedipal escapade.

Bisset, as fast-laner Ellen Burroughs, picks up the ultra-wimp Jonathan (Andrew McCarthy) at a Rush Street bar. There, as at prep school, this dishwater drip has become the object of vicious pranks, sneers and jeers. The hazing is so overdone, we don't sympathize with the kid; we want to smack him out of his stupor.

Nonetheless, Mrs. Burroughs would clasp him to her bosom. But sexy, it isn't. Don't expect anything more explicit than Adam's apples and clavicles. Titillation reaches a high in the elevator seduction when she loosens his tie and asks him which he likes better -- "going up or going down."

Most of the story takes place at the dorm of Vernon Academy. There Jonathan, a scholarship student, rooms with Ellen's insufferable son Skip (Bob Lowe), who's hopelessly wealthy and dreadfully urbane. Lowe, overacting like there was no tomorrow (and maybe there won't be after this) creates a character who's easy to loathe. He torments Jonathan into becoming his best friend. He throws him into the quadrangle in women's underwear, tricks him into confessing he cheated on his SATs. Upscale S&M.

Skip and Jonathan are supported by a cast of cohorts with whom they perform the requisite highjinks -- exposing a prepette's breast at a tea party at a neighboring girls' academy, or flushing a giant marijuana plant down the john. But finally, Skip's friendship must be tested when he learns that mommy and Jonathan are much more than roommates. Mother later commits herself, saying she needs psychiatric help, according to dad (Cliff Robertson in a cameo caricature).

The writers of this pubescent vehicle -- Jim Kouf and David Greenwalt -- haven't exactly strained themselves when it comes to characterization. They're like a couple of 10-year-olds telling dirty jokes, and not very funny ones at that. Like folks used to say, they have "Class" -- all of it low. CLASS -- At area theaters.