News Item: Dick Clark to put out a line of men's skin care products. The line will include facial scrub, restorative night cream, shower gel, shaving cream, after-shave moisturizer and cologne. Each product will be packaged with how-to advice by the 53-year-old "American Bandstand" host, author of "Looking Great, Staying Young."
Roll over Beethoven, tell Tchaikovsky the news: America's oldest teen-ager is finally trying to cash in after all those years of selling someone else's zit cream.
Three years ago he shared his beauty secrets with the rest of us in his book. (Most of them anyway; he declined to tell all about the rapidly aging portrait he keeps in his closet.) Now he's going the designer route a la Vidal, Estee, Halston, Yves, Helena and whichever von Furstenberg isn't selling beer.
Clark, whose youthful looks have been his trademark since he broke into show business with a dog act in 1929, has been rumored to be about to jump into the skin trade for quite some time. There was speculation, however, that rather than market a line of skin creams, he would literally sell his own skin, piece by piece, to men wanting to look equally youthful.
The Clark line will not be on the shelves until early next year, and there is, as yet, no product. Key decisions have to be made. Will the cologne smell like Beech-Nut flavor-ific gum? Will the moisturizer feel like Clearasil? Will the facial scrub look like Stridex? And then there are the more generic questions: Will you give it a 98? Can you dance to it? Whatever happened to Bobby and Justine? Where do all the hippies meet? (South Street. South Street.) We wanted to ask these questions of Clark himself, but K.T. McClay, a spokesman for Clark, said yesterday, "It's bad timing for us to have you talk to Dick now. December would be better." So we'll just have to press on without him.
Clearly, this move by Clark could signal a new trend among celebrities whose appeal comes essentially from the world of popular music. While some of these people have endorsed products before--The Who sold out to Schlitz; Deborah Harry rented herself out to Gloria Vanderbilt jeans--none have ever produced their own personal products. Under the general concept then of "Beauty and The Beat," we might expect the following items soon:
Mick Jagger lipstick, available in the convenient half-gallon size.
Wayne Newton linoleum-base hair spray and mustache wax, product-tested in the heat of the Fourth of July in Washington and guaranteed to attract the right kind of consumer.
The Beach Boys good vibration tanning butter, packaged in a squeeze tube shaped like James Watt.
Barry Manilow mascara, guaranteed not to run even if you are held captive at a Manilow convention and forced to listen for three solid hours to Barry's most lachrymose songs; you'll make it through the rain just as Barry did--high and dry. (Sigh. Looks like we made it.)
Olivia Newton-John steel wool body brush. For those of you who want to get physical. The Olivia Newton-John boar bristle hair brush, for those of you who want to get animal.
Ozzy Osbourne mouthwash. Industrial strength for those times when you can never be too safe--like after biting off the head of a live bat.
Simon and Garfunkel "Where Have You Gone Joe DiMaggio" restorative cream. Apply liberally every night and you'll be ba-da-da-da-da-da-da feelin' groovy.
Diana Ross combination hot comb and garden rake. This item can be converted to the companion Ted Nugent version simply by adding the optional heavy metal handle.
Paul McCartney face balm, which is kept in a jar by the door. (Who is it for? You, silly.)
Michael Jackson after-shave lotion. Available in two scents, "Androgynous Amber" and "Beat It Black and Blue."
Elton John eyewear. Contacts that come specially equipped with nostalgia lenses, which are sensitive only to black light and produce a kaleidoscopic effect.
Donny and Marie milk-flavored toothpaste. Includes the special brush which they use to reach all 116 of their teeth. Like items include the Liberace rhinestone flavored version, and the Keith Richard specialty denture cream for people with false teeth or no teeth at all.
Pat Benatar leatherette eyeliner. So tough that when you close your eyes, your eyebrows flex.
Rick James combination wig hat and dust mop. (Sparkles, $8.50 extra.)
Kenny Rogers "Know how to hold it, know not to fold it" chin strap.
Bob Dylan forever young mud pack. Your debutante may know what you need, but Zimmy knows what you want.
Used to be that rock 'n' roll eschewed the whole idea of beauty. (Jimmy Soul: "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife." Temptations: "Beauty's only skin deep, yeah-yeah-yeah.") But that was when rock was young. (Me and Judy had so much fun.) But now Mick's 40, Jerry Lee's 47 and Chuck Berry's 57. (Springsteen: "So you're scared and you're thinking that maybe you're not so young anymore.") Beauty and The Beat is a trend whose time has come. And it's only right that Dick Clark, who saw us through our acne, should be there to help smooth out our wrinkles.
Let's face it. We've all got the same concern: Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm 64?