To celebrate your return from summer vacation, You University -- the self-improvement emporium across town -- is having a special fall sale.

Whether you've a mind to widen your options or increase your viability -- or just learn how to program your home computer to pick up girls while you balance the checkbook -- You U. has a course for you. And if you register early, You U. will toss in a free one-day seminar -- HOW TO SAY MAYBE AND MEAN IT -- plus a copy of its new all-purpose self-help booklet, SPEED-READ YOUR WAY TO FITNESS!

Yes: You is the one. That's You U.'s new slogan, and after you check out the following list of fall highlights, you may agree. Then again, you may not. You never knows. YIELDING TO RAGE -- Vince Grimace, author of "Hit Somebody With This Book!," guides participants through a series of psychokinetic exercises designed to make you really angry. Someone will be seriously injured. Cash bar. WHO AM I? -- Who are you really -- and why? Are you sure? What? Discover why you're you and not somebody else. A fun evening, unless you're nobody -- in which case you teach. OUT, DAMNED G-SPOT! -- The G-Spot, source of so much needless sexual tension, can also be a real problem when it appears in certain synthetic fabrics. Learn how to remove the G-Spot without ruining either your sex life or your wardrobe. Cash bar. CASH BAR -- By popular demand. Do you find it easier making brilliant conversation after you've had seven or more drinks? So do a lot of people; meet them all here. And stop worrying about your looks -- true love is blind. Especially later in the evening. MAKING FRIENDS AT 7-ELEVEN -- Learn the proper way to point at doughnuts behind glass, how to ask sincerely how Jerry's Kids are and how to order a Big Gulp in seven Middle Eastern and two Northern Virginia dialects. Prerequisite: BUY JUNK! PAY DOUBLE! THROW IT ON, NOT AWAY! -- Stop being wasteful -- most of the things you discard every day can be made into fashionable casual or evening wear. In three short evenings learn to make designer jeans from cat-litter bags and chic footwear from ordinary chicken bones. No one who keeps up on today's fashions will know the difference -- unless they stand downwind. THE DOLLAR DIET -- Cut way down on cholesterol and fats the cost-effective way: Eat your money! Tenderize those rubber checks, and learn 50 new ways to make a fast buck. Special emphasis on protein fillers and grains to help your dollars go further. Cash bar. Also coin fountain. CO-ED CONVERSATION -- Take a chance -- join in this unusual, experimental course designed to put you in the same room with people of the opposite sex, with no real possibility of dancing. (This is a totally new approach, and You U. is not responsible for any honest communication that may occur, however painful.) Free deodorant, English phrase books and special discount for lawyers. PORTUGUESE THERMOBASKET HOOK-LATCHING -- This traditional but practical art form normally takes Portuguese women 40 to 50 years to perfect, but you can master it in time for holiday gift-giving -- while also learning to fix a diesel engine and play the guitar like a pro. Class meets 19 hours daily through January. Bring a sandwich! I WANNA HOLD YOUR ANCHOVIES -- There are one million single people in the Washington area, but practically no place to get a decent pizza. Are these two facts related? Is "Personal-Pan Pizza" a sign of computer-age alienation? Does anyone really "deliver" anymore? Register early. Also, order ahead. COLOR ME MEDIUM-RARE -- Do the vegetables on your plate make your pale skin look washed-out or does the salad clash with your auburn hair? Do you find you make friends more easily over veal than, say, meatloaf? Learn the intricacies of color-coordinated dining from noted food/fashion author Dolores Colores, who'll show you how to choose the best food group for your looks. WRITE YOUR BABY'S MEMOIRS NOW! -- Why wait? The way things are going, there's a good chance your child will be famous at some point down the road -- for at least a week, maybe even two. Cash in before the kid gets an agent.