Among family therapist Audrey Chapman's philosophies on male-female relationships:

Friendship: "The best way to ultimately get into a partnership is to start out as friends." Since the sexual revolution, "We start out as bed partners and then mid-stream we try to turn it into a friendship, and we have sold out by then. We get frustrated because we can't revert the process."

Mores: "You can still define your own. We're so trendy in this country. Whatever's in, we all go for it. Sometimes the trends are a detriment."

Sex ratio: "When there were less women than men, the men valued women. Women were a high commodity. Men spent more time working on self-development, trying to understand what women needed and what they were all about," she says, quoting Paul Secord's book, Too Many Women (Sage Publications, Inc.). In other words, says Chapman, "The behavior was much like the behavior that I see in women these days. Men were more interested in marriage and commitment because to find somebody you considered yourself lucky."

The now society: "We're living in this instant, quick-fast resolution to things. Relationships take work, a lot of work, a lot of time, a lot of dedication."

Divorce: People are "scared of being hurt," and they are without models "for how people can struggle together."

Deception: "Both men and women are into deceiving each other in relationships in the '80s. I think we collude in it, in that both sides put up blinders so we won't have to see what exists."

Commitment shyness: Men adopt life styles "so they won't get 'trapped' into 'falling in love,' by surrounding themselves with a harem. You defuse any emotional intensity."

Mr. Right: "Are you looking for such high credentials that you're passing a whole bunch of people by?"

In control: "You cannot control another individual. You can't make a man commit to you. You can't make a man call you when he says he's going to call at 7 on Saturday night, but you can control how you're going to respond to those situations by taking care of yourself in it, and that's all you can control."

Man-sharing backlash: "You may not be emotionally or socially able to carry it off. There is a double standard out here in society about how women should relate in relationships. That is, that they should be passive, submissive and take what comes their way and be thankful. The last thing they ought to be doing is to be having multiple sexual relationships. It makes them scarlet women. You're going to get real negative remarks about you."

Light at the end of the tunnel. "We will get to the place where the pendulum will swing back, to where marriage and courtship and commitment will be in."