Excuse me, Miss?

You there, the young lady with the tray?

What do you want, tubby? Listen I'm in a big hurry. The cabanas are all packed, the pool is jammed and anybody who can still breathe is yelling for a drink.

Well, that's what I wanted to ask you about, young lady. That electric sign at the end of the pool? It reads 104 degrees and it isn't even 2 in the afternoon.

Yeah, and the letters on your Captain Airwaves T-shirt are running too, tubbs. Now do you want a drink or don't you?

No, but I wanted to tell you about what's happening out here at the CBS press tour, young lady, if you have a minute. And you better hurry because my TV column notes are starting to melt.

Oh well, go ahead, fatso.

Your family must be very proud of you, young lady. Why don't you sit right down here next to me in the shade . . . Well, the biggest news of the day out here at the Arizona Biltmore was the fact that ABC announced that it was changing its Tuesday and Friday night schedules for next fall already. And that development even got CBS Entertainment executives to talk about the competition for a minute . . .

Next September, ABC will begin Tuesday night with "Who's the Boss?" followed by "Growing Pains" at 8:30, the hour-long "Moonlighting" at 9 and "Our Family Honor" (which used to be called "Family Honor") at 10 . . .

Gonzo from the original Tuesday schedule will be something called "He's the Mayor" . . .

On Friday night, "Webster" and "Mr. Belvedere" remain from 8 to 9, but "Diff'rent Strokes" moves from Tuesday to 9 on Friday, followed by "Benson" at 9:30 . . . Robert Urich's new show, "Spenser for Hire," will move in at 10, replacing "Our Family Honor" (which used to be called "Family Honor") . . .

Gonzo from the Friday schedule will be a sitcom called "Mr. Sunshine," which was about a grumpy blind man but ABC promises to bring that back eventually . . .

Can I go now Captain Airwaves? They're getting kind of angry out there in the pool.

Of course you can, young lady, why don't I just read aloud to myself, but you will be back won't you?

Won't you? Where did she go?

Hmmmmmmm. This is interesting. Gosh, when Clayton Moore, the Lone Ranger, showed up here at the hotel earlier this week to plug his Lone Ranger show which is now appearing on the Christian Broadcasting Network, he fired a blank pistol to get the attention of all the TV writers when he walked into the press conference. In the small room the explosion scared the daylights out of most of the writers . . .

He concluded his press conference by reading his entire Lone Ranger code to the TV writers, but most of them were still stone deaf and had to rely on their own memories to fill out their notes . . .

The Lone Ranger, while he was in the hotel, declined, but in a nice way, to pose with Dr. Ruth Westheimer, who was also at the hotel appearing on behalf of her Lifetime cable network program. . . The Lone Ranger hinted that he didn't think it would be appropriate under the circumstances . . .

Harvey Shephard, senior vice president, programs, CBS Entertainment, said yesterday that the only definite mid-season replacement in the works is the one-hour series called "Bridges to Cross" . . .

It will star Suzanne Pleshette as a Washington, D.C., investigative reporter who works with her ex-husband, another investigative reporter. The bridges to cross apparently will include the Key, Chain, 14th Street, Sousa, Memorial and perhaps the Cabin John. . .

Shephard, by the way, thinks the ABC Tuesday and Friday night changes were "very good moves". . . I wonder what he meant by that . . .

CBS is very high on the 10 p.m. Wednesday entry called "The Equalizer," starring British actor Edward Woodward.

Woodward is considerably older than the usual leading man for an action-adventure, but CBS testing showed that young women in particular responded with enthusiasm with him in the role.

Last month in San Francisco the affiliates apparently loved it too . . .

"The Equalizer" certainly has everything. The pilot opens in a New York subway with a mugging and a hostage situation and then an out-and-out murder in cold blood. Woodward then cleans up a national blackmail computer scheme and successfully stops a rape artist and tells the CIA to go fly it. All in the first episode.

Not only does he keep on top of the headlines, "The Equalizer" has a son who plays in an orchestra that favors Mozart, a sure sign the network is taking this one very seriously. (Orchestra leader to son: "That is a violin you're sawing on, not a leg of lamb") . . .

Incidentally, reading between the lines of comments made yesterday by Shephard, CBS Entertainment president B. Donald (Bud) Grant and CBS Broadcast Group executive vice president Tom Leahy, don't count on Stacy Keach returning in new episodes of "Mickey Spillane's Mike Hammer."

Keach is due to be released from that London jail today where he has been languishing on a dope smuggling charge for the past six months. . .

Yesterday in Phoenix, all three CBS executives paid the requisite tribute to Keach for having paid his debt, but as questions to all three about the future of the program persisted, Shephard finally came to the bottom line:

"In 14 episodes this year, "Mike Hammer" only averaged a 23 share and during the current May to July rerun period, its numbers have been less than satisfactory. And he (Keach) won't be back unless they improve". . .

Meanwhile Grant said he expects to talk to Keach as soon as possible when the actor returns to the U.S. next week. A decision is expected by the end of the month . . .

Say tubby, you're getting awfully red. Are you sure you should be out here? I mean you're talking to yourself and the people around here are starting to wonder.

Well, thank you for your consideration, young lady. I've just got a few local notes and then I'll go back in. . .

Well you'd better hurry, you're starting to sizzle. And on the Home Front

Channel 20's first stereo broadcast on June 2 of Black Entertainment Television's "Video Soul With Donnie Simpson" garnered a whopping Arbitron rating of 5 and a 12 share . . .

WJLA anchor Renee Poussaint will receive an honorary doctorate in humane letters after delivering the commencement address at Mount Vernon College on Sunday . . .

Other news from WJLA: David Schoumacher's new show, "Point to Point," has just signed independent set designer Hugh Raisky, who has done extensive work for CBS news, sports and special events over the last 25 years.