TEEN NERDS put padded bras on their heads and hook their computer to a Barbie doll to create the perfect woman in "Weird Science," a sort of "Porky's" with disc drive.

Unbelievably, John Hughes, the maker of "Sixteen Candles" and "The Breakfast Club," writes and directs this snickering, sordid, special effects fantasy, with Kelly LeBrock in a demeaning role as love slave to a pair of 15- year-olds.

Antic Anthony Michael Hall, who starred in Hughes' earlier pictures, and newcomer Ilan Mitchell-Smith costar as stereotypical losers who can't get girls, but really know computers. After tuning in on "Frankenstein" one lonely Friday night, they decide to compute the ideal female. They feed centerfolds and a picture of Einstein into a PC, hook the whole thing up to the toaster, and voila, Lisa appears. She has the body of a Playmate, the brains of a genius, the mouth of a sailor and the urges of a pedophile.

LeBrock, with her toney British accent, comes off like a pornographic Mary Poppins as she teaches these moppets a thing or two about sex and violence. Under her tutelage, they go from "zeroes to heroes," as the director puts it. And that would be well and good if she didn't say things like, "I'm just getting off, seeing you guys getting straightened out," which sort of sums the whole thing up, dumbness wise.

Whether Hughes meant to hustle some quick bucks or produce a parody is beyond knowing, for there are some funny moments here. But what he has achieved is a sexist, racist, garbage comedy written in language you seldom see scratched on bus depot stalls.

WEIRD SCIENCE (PG-13) -- At area theaters.