OH, LORD, don'tcha buy me a Mercedes- Benz. I've driven a Porsche and loved all my sins. Can't stand crankin' up those straight cars no more. Oh, Lord, won'tcha take me to the Porsche store?

Ooohwee, cousin! Janis Joplin never had it this good.

Zero to sixty before you can spit. A car that hugs you and the road so tight, it makes you feel good all over. Leather everywhere -- on the steering wheel, instrument panel, seats, doors and ceiling. The Porsche 928 S has so much leather, it makes you think you've died and gone to Cow Heaven.

The 928 S is pure fantasy. It's automotive lust. The thing is so fast, so well-endowed, so hot on the road, it's just plain indecent. It oughtta be sold in a brown paper wrapper.

Outstanding complaint(s): The 928 S makes no sense in the United States. Its actual top speed, 158 iles per hour, according to the manufacturer, does not match reality. Where are you going to drive that fast in a country wedded to, if not faithful to, a national speed limit of 55 mph?

Empirical observation says that most people on the highway are cheating on 55. So, if nearly everybody's cheating, what's the sweat? Don't try cheating in a 928 S. The constabulary simply loves this car, particularly in tempting maroon. I didn't get pulled over -- I kept my speed in the general neighborhood of legality. But I surely got followed a lot.

Also, there's an auh-toe-mat-tique transmission in this car, Vern! Can you believe it? Where's the stick, hunh? Where's the shift? Driving this kind of car with automatic transmission is like doing a whole lot of otherwise interesting things by the numbers. The hands- off-gears approach sort of takes some of the fun out of handling.

Outstanding praise: It starts with a growl, real low. You feel goodust listening to the 5-liter, V-8, 32-valve engine build up to speed. Suddenly, it's boom-zoom time and you're rolling at 60 mph barely 5 seconds after starting from zip. No car I've driven does it better or faster than this Porsche. And, yes, the braking power is there to bring you back to earth.

The craftsmanship is excellent. With all of that leather and 25,000 miles-plus at delivery, you'd think that the 928 S would be a bit frayed about the edges. It wasn't.

Head-turning-quotient: Heads turned everywhere. The car got as much attention from civilians as it did from the police. The ultimate envy machine.

Sound system: Made by West Germany's Blaupunkt, ranked among the world's best auto stereos. It lived up to its reputation.

Mileage: Barely 16 miles per gallon in the city, maybe 19 mpg on the highway. Whattya expect from a speed demon that weighs 3,374 lbs? Unleaded fuels only. Premium unleaded preferred.

Price-as-tested: $56,000. Told ya that it's pure fantasy. You still want that brown paper wrapper? It's free.