Have you ever found yourself on the subway Wednesday evening humming the theme from "Dynasty"? Did you spend your summer worrying about which of the Carrington clan would emerge from the Massacre in Moldavia? Would you consider spending 150 bucks an ounce for a scent designed to make you smell like Krystle or Blake?
If you even thought of answering yes to any of the above, you have not yet been felled by the dread "Dynasty" glut -- and Channel 5 has a treat for you. Tomorrow night at 6 the saga begins its (re)run with the original three-hour "Dynasty" movie; and it continues every weeknight but Wednesday (when the show is still in first-run on ABC) at 9. That means with the season premiere of "Dynasty" Wednesday night, Alexis addicts can get their vixen fixin's five nights a week.
The movie reminds you that, yes, there was a time before Joan Collins was Alexis, when Krystle, preparing for her nuptials to Denver's dashing oil tycoon, was desolate at the prospect of losing her job as Blake's secretary. Life was simpler then, before poor Krystle could afford to spend more money on shoulder pads than the L.A. Rams.
The happy day threatens to be ruined by the return of Krystle's former lover Matthew Blaisdel, who gives new meaning to the word "macho" by telling the lass that he doesn't love her and that "the truth isn't hard to say, just spit it out and kick sand over it." It doesn't look like happy days are in store for Blaisdel's perennially traumatized wife Claudia and her whining daughter Lindsay.
Also on hand for the wedding festivities are the requisite maladjusted Carrington offspring. Steven (before his reconstructive surgery and acting lessons) leaves Greenwich Village and his gay lover to hang around the mansion, brooding about his relationship with dad. Fallon (the delightfully decadent daughter) leaves her Greek soccer player in Athens to try to persuade her father that she should be the only girl in his life. After seeking solace from the Carrington chauffeur and the entire backfield of papa's football team, she resigns herself to Blake's decision to marry beneath him by announcing that "he's suffered irreversible brain damage from breathing too much dime-store perfume." These were the days when the show shot its budget on writers instead of clothes and fading movie stars.
Nevertheless, with the addition of a few hats and dresses (and a "fatal" accident or two for every major character), the creators of "Dynasty" managed to garner at least part of the attention of 35.3 million viewers per average second. And with visions of viewers' dollars dancing in their heads, American manufacturers have carried on the "Dynasty" tradition with "Dynasty" suits, furs, gowns, tuxedos, jewelry, headgear and even infant wear. It was only a matter of time before "Dynasty"-dazed fans began plunking down $100 bills for the privilege of owning one of a "limited edition" of Krystle and Alexis dolls.
If you've managed to survive without these necessities, there's still time to get an "authorized biography" of the Carringtons to find out what you've been missing. But beware. The road to "Dynasty" heaven is fraught with peril. In November the spin-off cometh, posing a devastating dilemma every Thursday night at 9: whether to watch the old familiar episodes or the latest chapter of "Dynasty II: The Colbys."