HERE'S a handful of new records by comedians (we promise not to give the punchlines away). Warning: Labels on three of these records note that some material may be unsuitable for children and Puritans.

CHEECH & CHONG -- "Get Out of My Room" (MCAC-5640). Who woulda thunk it? Here they are in 1985, the original hippie comics, with another record album. Though they now have slicker production and the album is available on videocassette as well, only the drugs have been changed in their perversely funny formula. C&C have kept the same goofy voices and abundant vulgarity, this time (loosely) structured around mishaps at a fictional college radio station. They stick it to everything '80s, from sushi bars to sex roles to Springsteen (their current hit "Born in East L.A.," is about illegal aliens)."I'm Not Home Right Now," a catchy tune about telephone answering machines, will probably turn up on more than a few phone tapes.

BILLY CRYSTAL -- "Marvelous!" (A&M SP 5096). Yeah, we know, if you hear "You look marvelous! one more time, you'll scream. Same here. So skip the second cut on side two of Crystal's otherwise funny debut album. Crystal had been slugging it out on the comedy circuit for a long time before he became a "name" via "Saturday Night Live," and the album is pretty standard standup from the man of a thousand catch phrases. They're all here: "I hate when that happens," "Don't get me started!" (from offensively bad comic Buddy Young Jr.). His great imitations are here, too -- Crystal's Cosell is unparalleled; and his bit on Sammy Davis Jr. describing what he would have done if he had been invited to sing on "We Are the World" is priceless.

SANDRA BERNHARD -- "I'm Your Woman" (Mercury 824 826-1 M-1). In which Bernhard makes a quirky entry into the singing comic sweepstakes (call it "aMuzak"?). Known as the woman who sexually menaced Jerry Lewis in "The King of Comedy," Bernhard introduces herself here as the woman with the "hard- to-believe face" in the first of several spoken segues that link the songs. Bernhard sings like an uncertain Laura Nyro and the standard pop/rock sound is concocted by Barry Reynolds, who did the honors for Grace Jones. There are some unsettling laughs in the odd raps about regressing in relationships, and a macabre bit about driving to the airport with the feeling your friends' plane has crashed.

STEVEN WRIGHT -- "I Have a Pony" (Warner Bros. 9 25335-1). Another weird one. Wright is being shaped up as the next Steve Martin- sized phenom (by Martin's manager William E. McEuen). He's certainly got something here, though it's not clear exactly what. On this album thick with eccentric one-liners, Wright's specialties seem to be stacking nonsequiturs and taking American cliches and bending them sharply. Result: He comes off like a standup version of "The Far Side" comic strip, or a nonmusical Laurie Anderson. Sample (delivered in Wright's somnambulent semimumble): "You can't have everything -- where would you put it?" Listen for his imitations -- Crystal does Cosell, but Wright does bowling. As Wright would say, "Any questions?"

EDDIE MURPHY -- "How Could It Be?" (Columbia FC 39952). This "all-singing" Eddie Murphy album has only one joke on it -- Murphy's voice. Eddie gets seriously "serious" on self-penned dreck such as the embarrassing "My God Is Color Blind," but all we hear is his towering arrogance. This vanity production features lushly produced formula R&B disguising Murphy's lame attempts to clone Stevie Wonder (who contributes and arranges two of his lesser songs here), Michael Jackson and even Rick James, who chipped in the tedious single "Party All the Time." Coming soon to a bargain bin near you.

HALLOWEEN SOUND EFFECTS -- (Total Records TRCC 931). Guaranteed laffs for practical jokers. The sound effects are amateurishly done but funny. But the contents label alone is a scream: 47 seconds of "Growling, Snarling, Slobbering, Monster in Chains, Maniacal Laughter"; "Witches and Demons Enjoy It" (47 seconds), "Victim Doesn't" (8 seconds); "Gluttony and Belching from Satisfied Monsters"; plus a sampling of outer-space sounds. Also available: "The Story of Halloween Horrors" (A&M CS 3152), which features a dippy horror tale on side one; with some "quality" do-it-yourself effects on side two.