For all those who want to be movie critics (and it must run in the millions), I've just come up with Do-It-Yourself Movie Critic, appearing in stores just in time for That Special Someone on your holiday list.
Do-It-Yourself Movie Critic ($19.95, batteries not included) gives you everything you need to write your own reviews of the latest Hollywood releases. It goes like this: Big Sister takes a card from the game's attractively designed Lucite tray, and reads aloud:
Title: "Bad Medicine"
Story: Students who can't get into American medical schools enter Latin American medical school, where, amid adversity, they unite against the corrupt school administration to do good. (Written and directed by Harvey Miller.)
Characters: Jeff Marx (Steve Guttenberg), who doesn't want to be a doctor (his family of doctors has pushed him into it); Liz Parker (Julie Hagerty), a pretty, compassionate fellow student who used to be a nurse; Dr. Madera (Alan Arkin), the tyrannical and sexually repressed dean of the school; Dennis Gladstone (Curtis Armstrong), who got interested in medicine through an affection for recreational drugs.
1) Dr. Madera slams a car door on his assistant, then tells him, "Be more careful next time."
2) Physician asks Dr. Madera how long he's been a widower; he replies, "Since my wife died."
3) Secretary says, "I learned English by seeing your films and reading your classics," then holds up "Valley of the Dolls."
4) Dennis asks, "Have you ever ridden a mule before?" Jeff responds, "This is a mule?" Dennis grimaces.
5) Dr. Madera asks, "Will you be free for dinner tonight by any chance?" Liz answers, "No." Madera says, "Neither am I."
" 'Bad Medicine' is bad indeed!" quips Junior. "Is there a doctor in the house?" adds Mom waggishly. "Steve Guttenberg? 'Nuff said!" chortles Dad.
Do-It-Yourself Movie Critic also comes in a beginner's edition complete with a thesaurus filled with nasty put-downs ("Like watching paint dry") and effusive blurbs ("Run, don't walk to . . . "), as well as a special TV news edition that packs funny mustaches, glasses, wigs and hats. Act now and treat the whole family to hours of zany fun with Do-It-Yourself Movie Critic!
Bad Medicine, at area theaters, is rated PG-13 and contains profanity.