Ah, that a critic's Christmas wishes might come true . . .
"Good morning, all you viewers of MTV. We here at the cable music network do like rock 'n' roll, but enough is enough. From now on you'll be able to tune in 24 hours a day and get songs by Frank Sinatra, Ella Fitzgerald, Mel Torme, Bobby Short, Lena Horne, Peggy Lee and, yes, Rosemary Clooney. Coming soon -- 'Sing Along With Mitch -- The Lost Episodes . . .' "
"Yoo-hoo-hoo, darlings! It's I, Joan Collins -- Miss Kiss, Tell and Resume Kissing! Say, you know that divine nun outfit I've been wearing on 'Dynasty' the last few weeks? Well, I like the cut of the bodice so much that I've decided to leave it on. Not just the bodice, the whole thing. That's right, I'm departing show business and going off to a convent. In the South of France . . ."
"Uhh, hi, I'm Don Johnson, the star of 'Miami Vice.' I'm a little groggy right now, but even so, it seems to me that our show has had far more attention in the press than it deserves these past several months, and frankly, even I am starting to get embarrassed at the stupid things I, and my costar Philip Michael Thomas, have been saying. So we've decided we're both going to, you know, get back to our work and, you know, just shut up about it. No more interviews, and I really mean it . . . "
"Well, folks, that was Rona Barrett's last appearance on 'Entertainment Tonight,' or my name isn't Mary Hart. And now that we've got that out of the way, it's time to begin our five-part series, 'America's Most Beloved TV Critics.' But first I think I should make a little announcement. Yes, just as you've read in People, Rolling Stone, USA Today and Saturday Review, the critic we've chosen as most beloved of all, and I, Mary Hart, plan to be married as soon as he can fit it into his busy schedule . . ."
"Hello, America, this is Aaron Spelling. I'm the shmegegge who produces all those farshtinkener TV shows. You know, the ones that the public loves and the critics hate. Well, something has just dawned on me. The critics are right. Nothing I've ever done has been worth squiddly. And so I'm retiring from television effective immediately and donating all the profits from my reruns to public TV . . ."
"Good evening. This is Alfred Hitchcock. As you may know, I'm dead. Been dead some time now. NBC and Universal Studios have tried to revive me so they can sell deodorant and other toilet articles on Sunday nights with a television show. However, I've seen my lawyer and he says that as a dead person, I have certain rights, and one of them is the right not to appear on television. And let me tell you, even if you're dead, that computer colorizing hurts like hell . . ."
"Greetings, gates! It's me, Mark Fowler, chairman of the Federal Communications Commission and one-time radio deejay! I'm the guy who thinks that anything goes in television as long as it makes a profit for somebody who's too rich already! But I've had a change of heart. Marley's Ghost came to visit the other night. And now it occurs to me that maybe TV should be doing something to improve the quality of life, and that maybe broadcasters should be held accountable for what they put on the public airwaves. So I'm resigning as FCC chairman, to be replaced by Norman Lear. And I'm leaving my papers and memorabilia to the Institute for the Study of Primitive Man . . ."
"I'm Bill Moyers. And I'm happy to say that the people who run CBS have finally seen the errors of their ways, too numerous to mention here, and have agreed to schedule a one-hour documentary in prime time every week, just like they used to do in the days before they discovered the existence of the megabuck. I'll be doing many of the documentaries myself. Walter Cronkite, Dan Rather, Mike Wallace and Diane Sawyer will be doing others. CBS says it doesn't care about the ratings, only about being a good citizen of the republic, and that sometimes even a network has to do What's Right . . ."
"Hi, Mom, it's me, Jack Paar! You know, 15 years of retirement in sunny Connecticut really is enough. I've had it with German shepherds and crabgrass on the putting green. And so I'm coming back to do a nightly TV talk show. We'll have guests from politics, the arts, entertainment and you-name-it. Or I'll name it. But it's going to be talk worth listening to, not just stupid show biz chitchat. I kid you not. Every word is true . . ."
"My fellow Americans. It's me, Ronald Reagan, chief guy. As you know, and I'm sure this irks you as much as it does me, I am constitutionally prevented from serving another term as your president. Well, I want you to know that as soon as my present term does end, I'll be staying right there on your TV screens, where you've grown to know and love me. That's right, I've talked to Mommy, and I've talked to Johnny, and one week each month I'll be guest-hosting 'The Tonight Show' on NBC. And on my very first monologue, I'm going to finish that story about driving up the California coast . . . "
"Ladies and gentlemen! Please do not panic! I am E.B. Floorflusher, president of the Nielsen ratings service. I'm sorry to announce that our computer has exploded and that, parts being hard to come by these days, we probably will not be able to supply the networks with any ratings information for the next, oh, five or 10 years . . ."