It has come to my attention that some of you have not been keeping up with the Consumer Electronics Revolution.
Oh, I can hear you now, saying: "Well, he's certainly not talking about me. I have a videocassette recorder, or VCR, with remote control. Every night, I fall asleep watching rental movies such as 'Porky's XII: Everybody Gets a Disease.' I'm right in the forefront of the Consumer Electronics Revolution!"
Let me just share with you, honestly, as a person, my reaction to your statement. It is: "What a geek." I mean, of course you have a VCR. Who, aside from residents of urban sidewalk grates, doesn't have one? The question is, what format do you have? I bet you have VHS, right? Hahaha. Or don't tell me you have Beta. You do? Hahahahahaha. Listen: The Aztecs had Beta.
You must change your format immediately. According to the consumer electronics magazine I have been browsing through at the mall and am seriously considering purchasing, the hot new VCR format coming out of New York, where format fashions originate, is called "8 mm." You probably think I'm making this up just to scare you, but I'm not: 8 qj mm is the Format of the Future, because it has many, many technological advantages over VHS and Beta, the major one being that it is totally incompatible with every piece of video equipment or tape that currently exists. The people who developed it sent space probes off to distant galaxies at tremendous expense just to make sure that if any intelligent civilizations out there had evolved to the VCR stage, their formats would be incompatible with 8 mm.
So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast array of 8 mm video equipment. This should, of course, include a $2,000 portable videotape camera such as advanced tourists carry these days, so that when you go on vacation, instead of taking primitive photographs of your family members standing in front of the Tomb of the Unknowns and grinning at the camera as though they had just won a golf cart on "Wheel of Fortune," you can take modern high-tech videotapes of them doing this. Hurry up! Remember: 8 mm! It's the Format of the Future! I'll wait right here.
Okay! Got everything?! Well, too bad, sucker, because while you were gone, the electronics industry came up with an even newer format that makes your 8 mm VCR look as technologically advanced as toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, to be replaced by a format called "Elroy," so order yours now.
Also, you must purchase a new "go anywhere" style portable color television that has been miniaturized to the point where it must be surgically implanted in your eyeball or you cannot see it. And I assume it goes without saying that you need a satellite dish antenna the size of a wedding tent on your patio. If you have no patio, you must build one. And I don't want to hear any whimpering excuses such as: "But I already have cable!" Cable is not enough, in the Consumer Electronics Revolution. Oh, sure, cable gives you 123 channels, but, at any given moment, 120 of these are showing "The Jeffersons" and the other three are showing televised Christian Jim Bakker, whose show definitely needs new writers inasmuch as every episode ends with Jim asking for money and his lovely wife Tammy crying so hard she gets mascara all over her designer dress.
With a satellite dish, you don't have these limitations. The entire world is beamed to your patio. You can receive broadcasts of "The Jeffersons" that originated on completely different continents. The only problem is that broadcasters, to keep you from getting their shows free, sometimes "scramble" the signals, so you'll wind up with situations where, for example, Ted Koppel, accompanied by designer music, is blowing away cocaine dealers in slow motion on "Miami Vice," which is disconcerting because of course his wardrobe is all wrong.
Speaking of music, my guess, based on what we know about your video equipment, is that you have a really "up-to-date" audio system where you listen to "records" in "high fidelity" on your "stereo." I hope you can detect the contempt in my voice. Because you have already slept through the following formats: quadraphonic sound, eight-track tapes, cassette tapes, metal cassette tapes, Dolby, Dolby II and The Revenge of Dolby.
But forget all of those. The totally incompatible audio format we are working on this month is called the "compact disc," and you have to get one right away because it has a laser beam in it. This is the same kind of beam the president plans to shoot down Russian missiles with, so you can imagine what kind of sound it produces. When you play a compact disc recording of a classical orchestra, you'll feel as though you're right there in the concert hall. You can hear every little squeak, every rustle, every cough, every sign, no matter how slight, of intestinal discomfort, every single nasal snort from the timpani player, who has a cold but does not want to blow his nose so he's just back there snorting as quietly as he can, but you can hear it every single time. In fact, it's starting to sound like the orchestra is performing inside a giant nasal passage. So everybody agrees this will definitely be the Format of the Future until at least next month, when we're going to switch to waxed cylinders. Then we're going to switch to waxed cylinders with Dolby.