The best thing about the report of Attorney General Meese's Commission on Pornography is its call for "Citizens' Watch" groups to monitor what types of publications are sold in the stores. If, in the view of the group, the material is pornographic, the citizens' groups will organize a boycott, and God knows what else, to rid the store of the rot.

I don't know how the people for this type of work are going to be selected, but I would like to volunteer my services. One of my greatest fantasies has been to censor magazines and send those who sell them to jail.

What, you may ask, are my qualifications for being part of a Citizens' Watch group? For one thing, I've read many of the magazines the Pornography Commission finds objectionable. Secondly, I know exactly where in the store such reading materials are kept. I have done a lot of dry runs since the report was published. I know how to distinguish between literature with no redeeming value as opposed to magazines that are just trying to give me a cheap thrill.

If you elect me I promise to go through every store in your neighborhood, and dump out anything that I feel might offend the community. You can trust me that no page will be left unturned without my stamp of approval. I'm not only talking about nudity, depravity and sexually obnoxious material, but also other stuff that might not look offensive on the cover, but when you read between the lines could lead to crime too horrendous to mention.

Many of you may be asking, "How will the Citizens' Watch committees perform?" The guidelines haven't been laid down yet, but I would like them to work something like this: Every member of the committee will be issued a CW armband, which will give him or her permission to go into any store suspected of selling pornographic material. If such material is found, the CW committeeperson will throw it on the floor, pour cigarette lighter fluid on it and start a fire in the aisle. If there happens to be a lot of pornographic material, other members of the CW committee will stand outside and break all the windows in the store.

If the owner protests this type of treatment, the CW committee will organize a boycott. During the boycott, the CW will take down the names of customers entering the store. These will be sent to Ed Meese, who will put them into the attorney general's computer so that Washington will have some idea about who is propornography. Each Citizens' Watch committee will be able to plug in to the computer in case they have suspicions about a stranger hanging around a magazine stand.

I don't want anybody to get the idea that this is some sort of vigilante committee the attorney general's commission is recommending. We cannot prevent you from buying anything you want. But as Americans it is our right to make you damn sorry you did. The Citizens' Watch committees are your guarantee that you won't be poisoned by filthy pictures again.

The question will come up as to what qualifies the CW committees to decide the reading tastes of others. Their main strength is that they care about what is on sale and they're willing to do something about it. Once appointed as a CW deputy, the committeeperson will study at night to become an expert in pornography. The CW's primary role is to do the job that the Justice Department, because of the Constitution, can't do on its own.

So I need your vote. Without wanting to brag, I think I'm the best man for the job. I've hung around newsstands all my life. I can spot a Playboy or Penthouse reader a mile away, and I know how to read any magazine sealed with cellophane.

As soon as they start electing Citizens' Watch committees in your community, please think of me -- the antipornographer everyone can trust.