One of the things that make the Irangate hearings interesting is that so many private citizens were involved in conducting American diplomacy for all of us.

Albert Hakim, business partner of Gen. Secord, and almost a father to Ollie North, testified that they went to Iran not only on arms business, but also to negotiate free-lance diplomatic deals. The trio promised that the United States would fight the Russians if they invaded Iran, get rid of the Iraqi president and arrange for the release of Moslem terrorists held by Kuwait.

There isn't a man or woman in this country who doesn't have a fantasy of being put in charge of our foreign policy.

This is my dream. I fly to Libya with my business partner, Albert Aagh Keem, and White House buddy Rolly West. We are escorted to Gadhafi's tent, where we present him with a chocolate cake and a Bible signed by Ronald Reagan.

"Your Royal Terrorist," I tell him in my dream, "we come to sign a peace treaty between your country and ours."

Gadhafi, ripping into the cake, says, "Do you have any Sara Lee flavors besides chocolate?"

"We have strawberry cheesecake, but we must have something in return. We want you to stop exporting terrorism in the Middle East."

"Everyone asks me that. What do I get in exchange?"

"We will sell you 1,000 TOW missiles at our usual outrageously inflated prices."

"That doesn't seem very generous," Gadhafi says.

I take a deep breath. "We will set up a life insurance policy for you, and if we die first you can have all our money."

"You could do that for me?"

"Do you see this man?" I say, pointing at West. "This Marine colonel works for the president of the United States. He would not be here if he didn't have the right to give away the store."

"And who is this other joker?"

"That is Albert Aagh Keem. He's a poor, honest arms salesman who also translates for us on the side. Your Majesty, this is one opportunity in a million. If you sign a deal today we will assassinate all your enemies in Chad."

"I would like that very much."

"As private citizens of the United States our job is to make you happy, which the State Department cannot officially do."

Rolly West whispers in my ear. Then I say, "Mr. Gadhafi, I have something to suggest that as a head of state will blow your mind. If you sign this deal with us we will give you a midnight tour of the White House."

"I don't believe you have the authority to do that."

"Trust us. We'll show you the situation room, the Oval Office and Nancy Reagan's closet."

"I would love a tour of the White House. What do I do to get it?"

"Just sign the Bible and we'll give you all the spare parts you need."

"Are you certain your president supports this mission?"

"Do you think I would offer to show you the White House unless I had Mr. Reagan's permission?"

Rolly whispers in my ear again.

"If you would like to see where the dog sleeps at Camp David, that can be arranged too."

"And what is the price of the tours?"

"All we ask in exchange is that you give us $10 million to support moderate terrorism in Nicaragua."