Unless you are unemployed, sick or a journalist, you probably have not had time to keep up with the hearings that have been held, over the course of the past year or two, by the Congressional Committee to Drone On About the Iran-Contra Scandal Until Everybody Involved Is Dead. So today, as a public service, we're going to provide the following convenient summary of the entire affair, putting the names of KEY ELEMENTS in easy-to-read CAPITAL LETTERS. There will be a quiz.
It all started when some EXTREMIST MANIAC LUNATICS took some AMERICAN HOSTAGES, which upset RONALD REAGAN, who to the best of his recollection was PRESIDENT Of THE UNITED STATES at the time, so he naturally sold WEAPONS to the EXTREMIST MANIAC LUNATICS in exchange for MONEY, which was funneled, with the help of various COURAGEOUS PATRIOTS who received nothing for their efforts except a SENSE OF SATISFACTION AND EIGHT MILLION DOLLARS, to the crack FOREIGN-POLICY ADVENTURE SQUAD headed by LT. COL. OLIVER NORTH, who, with his loyal staff, FAWN HALL, who has been offered $500,000 by PENTHOUSE MAGAZINE to pose NAKED, occupied an office in the WHITE HOUSE, but was in no way whatsoever connected with ANYBODY HIGHER UP, because of course it is a COMMON PRACTICE FOR TOTALLY RANDOM UNOFFICIAL PEOPLE such as INSURANCE AGENTS AND ACCORDION TEACHERS to have WHITE HOUSE OFFICES, and thus it was that COL. NORTH, acting completely on his OWN, decided to divert the MONEY to the CONTRAS, who are at war with IRAQ, no wait, sorry, it is IRAN that is at war with IRAQ, which is the country that shot one of our ships, which naturally caused PRESIDENT REAGAN (Code Name "GRINNING VEGETABLE") to speak out angrily against -- this is the truth -- IRAN, which as some of you may recall is the very same country he sold the WEAPONS to, but we are drifting away from our CENTRAL POINT, which is that COL. NORTH was merely trying to insure that the CONTRAS received an adequate supply of MONEY in order to carry out the REAGAN ADMINISTRATION'S SECRET PLAN (don't tell ANYBODY!) to overthrow the government of NICARAGUA, a role in which the CONTRAS have proved to be as effective, militarily, as a BUCKET OF DEAD SHRIMP.
Now that you're up to date on this important scandal, you might want to take some time off from work and watch a few episodes of the Iran-Contra Hearings TV Show. The best time to tune in is when a Reagan administration official is testifying, and the committee tries to trick him into making a coherent statement:
CONGRESSPERSON: Please state your name and title, and reveal what the U.S. foreign policy is.
WITNESS: My name is Elliott Abrams; my title is Assistant Administrative Associate Sub-Secretary of State for Reminding Everybody of a Small Hairless Nocturnal Rodent; and the U.S. foreign policy is ...
(The entire committee leans forward in breathless anticipation ... )
WITNESS: ... a SECRET!
AUDIENCE: (Loud applause)
CONGRESSPERSON: Ha ha! You really had us going there! Don Pardo, tell our witness what exciting gifts he'll receive for testifying here today!
DON PARDO: Bob, he'll receive ...
The danger, of course, is that one day a witness will slip up and reveal the foreign policy, which is why the Reagan administration, as a Security Measure, is now changing it on a daily basis. It is also kept in a locked box, for which there is only one key. Which the president, as an added precaution, has misplaced.
QUIZ: TEST YOUR SCANDAL KNOWLEDGE
1. Would you pose naked for $500,000? Me too.