It's summer, and of course you want to impress people you meet for the first time. This is what to say to get their undivided attention:

"Jim and Tammy Bakker are going to house-sit for us this summer."

"Malcolm Forbes borrowed our folding chairs for his party."

"I can't get any sleep worrying about Gary Hart's campaign deficit."

"Fawn Hall is going to shred our kid's spiral notebooks this weekend."

"My husband committed adultery, but I still think he should be president."

"Every time I give Elliott Abrams my Swiss bank account number, he loses it."

"My brother insured Ollie North's life for $200,000."

"If Oral Roberts goes, he says he's taking me with him."

"George Bush thinks everyone against him is gay."

"The whole family feels so much better since Congress gave us limited immunity."

"Every time we have Secretary of the Treasury Jim Baker over for drinks, he weakens the dollar."

"We get all our inside Wall Street information straight from Ivan Boesky's mouth."

"Nancy Reagan visited my granddaughter's class, and when Mrs. Reagan asked her for questions she lisped, 'What did the president know and when did you know it?' "

"Ed Meese's special prosecutor plays first base on our softball team."

"My son said the easiest job he ever had was guarding the Moscow Embassy."

"We had to give away one of our van Gogh sunflower paintings because it didn't match the drapes."

"If we're going to play bridge, I insist you all be tested for drugs."

"Let me tell you the plot of 'Ishtar.' "

"Depending on the day, Ronald Reagan still remembers more than he forgets."

"Anybody who doesn't understand what the arms talks are all about is an idiot."

"Would you care to sign a petition to get Phyllis George back on the air?"

"My son-in-law does stakeout work for The Miami Herald."

"I have the sister Porsche to the one owned by General Secord."

"Our family just requested amnesty from the Immigration and Naturalization Service so we can pick peaches."

"If they simplify the IRS 1040 form, I'll have a fit."

"Our best friends are moderate Iranians."

"Whatever Donna Rice did she did for her country."

"You don't know what wind sailing is until you've gone through the Strait of Hormuz."

"It's early, but I predict Al Haig will be the next president of the United States."

"Ollie North altered documents only so they would make sense to Congress."

"Every time I read the Constitution I wonder what the founding fathers were doing all that time in Philadelphia."

1987, Los Angeles Times Syndicate