Every news outfit is taking polls concerning current events. In a matter of hours you can now find out where America stands on any subject. I've decided to go into the same business. Here are the results of my latest nationwide poll.

1. Do you agree that Ollie North should have permitted someone else to install a security system around his house?

Agree -- 14 percent.

Disagree -- 14 percent.

Should have bought a pit bulldog instead -- 72 percent.

2. When Bud McFarlane and North went to Iran they took with them a Bible and a chocolate cake. In exchange the Iranians mined the Strait of Hormuz. Who got the best deal?

The United States -- 48 percent.

The ayatollah's Bible class -- 42 percent.

The CIA baker who made the cake to launch the first Iranian-American Friendship Cookbook -- 10 percent.

3. Does President Reagan know any more now than he did before he had lunch with Adm. Poindexter?

Knows more -- 10 percent.

Knows less -- 15 percent.

Can't remember who Adm. Poindexter is -- 75 percent.

4. After hearing the president talk about his role in the supplying of the contras in Central America, do you believe the president has:

A longer nose -- 35 percent.

A shorter nose -- 50 percent.

About the same -- 15 percent.

5. If anyone from the White House is indicted for crimes concerning Irangate he should be given:

An immediate pardon -- 33 percent.

An immediate pardon and a lecture tour -- 45 percent.

Am immediate pardon, a lecture tour, a million-dollar book contract, a Bible and a chocolate layer cake -- 22 percent.

6. If you had your choice of picking a fall guy for the contra hearings, who would you choose?

Elliott Abrams -- 21 percent.

Bill Casey -- 20 percent.

Judge Robert Bork -- 59 percent.

7. Who should be in charge of Kuwaiti-American tankers in the Persian Gulf?

Sly Stallone -- 76 percent.

James Bond -- 14 percent.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, if all else fails -- 10 percent.

8. Whom would you most like to see stand by the president in a crisis?

Fawn Hall -- 15 percent.

Donna Rice -- 20 percent.

Joan Collins -- 65 percent.

9. What would you do with the Iran-contra money that has been stashed away in Swiss bank accounts?

Give it to Attorney General Ed Meese to get Wedtech back on its feet -- 25 percent.

Give it to Mike Deaver so he can get the Justice Department off his back -- 25 percent.

Give it to Tammy Bakker so she can save her face -- 50 percent.

1987, Los Angeles Times Syndicate